The blue Julien Rose Baker

You Felt You Needed Saving

TW: This chapter talks about ED's in depth, bul1m1a and an0r3xia are throughly described as the main character struggles with her body image. There is also lots of talk about weight and body shaming and slight mention of substance abuse. Please do not read if any of these topics are triggaring for you.
Someone pointed it out. and then many more people pointed it out. I had been gaining weight. and I knew it but I didn't think anyone would say anything. I was just getting better. Fuck. I didn't feel good. I had just eaten a meal and all of a sudden I wanted it out of my system. I ran to the bathroom sticking my fingers down my throat before feeling my lunch and breakfast coming up in my throat. I throw up till I cant anymore. I flush my guts down the toilet. I hear Julien's voice in the bus. "Chels?" fuck. "mhm. just using the bathroom" I say, feeling kind of dizzy. I wash my hands and I wash the barf off of my face. I rinse my mouth trying to rid the taste of the vomit. "you okay? you-you've been in there a while." Julien asks, knocking on the door. "yeah." I rasp out. I fake a laugh before tripping and grabbing the door handle to keep myself steady. "It must be something I ate not sitting well." I say, as she tries to come into the restroom. "I'm coming in." She says, I stand up, trying to balance myself but I feel the room spinning. "Are you sure you're okay, bug?" She asks "Mhm" I say softly. Everything around me gets really fuzzy and my vision starts to go black. "bug?"
.

I wake up in my bed. I look up to see metal rods and the bottom of Phoebe's mattress. "Chelsea?" I hear Phoebe say sweetly. "Yeah?" I reply weakly, still staring at the bottom of the bunk bed. Phoebe leans over top making sure that I'm alive. "I have a muffin for you here. Chocolate chip, your favourite." She says "I'm not hungry" I say "I know it's hard but you need to eat. I don't want what happened earlier to happen again." She says. "yesterday?" I say, as I look at my phone seeing the time "I've been out since yesterday?" I say sitting up and immediately regretting it. "We canceled last night's show" She says "We were all worried about you" she gets up and fills my water bottle. She hands it to me cautiously doing everything as though I could break at any moment. "You have to eat something though." She says as I chug my water. "Toast or soup?" She says. "Yeah okay. I'll have a toast and soup combo" I say. She walks over to the door and starts talking to someone. She walks outside and Julien comes in. "Hi baby! How are you feeling?" she says "I'm okay." "I'm gonna make you some soup and toast" She says, sweetly. "Ok." I say, wrapping my blanket around myself. She cooks my food in silence, neither of us speaking a word. When she finishes making it she places it down at the small table. "Here." She says, grabbing my hands and helping me up. We slowly walk towards the table and she pulls out my chair. I sit down and she sits across from me and watches me eat. "How are you feeling?" she asks. "I've been better" I say, chuckling. I gather a spoonful of soup. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asks "I don't know." I say, playing with my food. "I've struggled with eating for most of my life. It started when I was 11 when my dad started to talk badly about my weight." She holds my hands across the table. "I started skipping lunch and then I started skipping breakfast. I would spend the whole day sucking in my stomach and not eating and my parents didn't care because they were barley home enough to even eat a meal with me so they never really noticed it. When I did eat meals I eventually started to force-" I choke out a sob. "We don't have to talk about it" She says, stroking my hands softly. "It's okay" I nod "I would stick my fingers down my throat and let it all come up and sometimes I woild do it and I didn't even anything before and all that would come up was liquids. So today I saw someone talk about my weight and I forced all my food up." I say. "most days I just won't eat. I'm just used to it at this point" I say. she smiles at me "why do the best people go through such awful things?" she smiles again. "yeah I know!" I say. "But I'm glad that Phoebe was there with me and got me through the worst of it. She's always been there to cheer me up and I've been there to cheer her up too" I say, looking out the window (up at the blue sky:)). I see Phoebe with a beer in hand and I get sad. I know she can control herself but it just makes me think of the bad times. "I went through everything with her. And it's not like my parents are bad people. I know that they just wanted the best for me but it still hurts. They don't say anything about it anymore" I say. I look back at her. "I'm glad you feel comfortable telling me." she says as my eyes meet hers. I smile.
a/n: sorry for not updating till now!! I've had a super busy school week and wasn't able to write! I hope you enjoyed and make sure to take care of yourselves! mwah