The blue Julien Rose Baker

I Wonder If You Know

TW: slight mention of ED, alc0h0l usage and w33d usage (substance abuse) if any of those topics are triggering to you or you're uncomfortable with them please take care of yourself and don't read if you don't want to. mwah!

I twirl the blunt around between my fingers. I think about how my life was so good until they left. It was the boys second leg of touring and they wanted to give me time at home since I had been touring the whole year. I feel my cat, Dan, brush against my leg and reach down to pet her. She walks away as soon as I touch her and I look back at my blunt before sticking it between my teeth and flicking on the lighter. I light it, quickly taking a drag, holding it and blowing out into the cold. I walk inside my apartment and pick up my phone scrolling through my texts. I scroll past all the times I ghosted people or brain dumped or said something rude because I was having a hard time. My eyes go blurry as my tears rise and fall in my eyes, rolling down my cheeks. I go to my stash of alcohol and grab a champagne bottle. I pop it open and put my lips to the top, taking a sip. I think about how much they would hate me for this as I down half of the bottle. They were back here in five days and I look like this. They were going to find the bottle and the smell of weed and me passed out on the couch for five days straight. I start drinking again when I notice that no matter what they will find the same results. When the bottle is almost empty I pick the joint back up and stick it between my lips again and continue to smoke it. When the joint is done I feel like I don't exist anymore, like I'm on a different planet. All of a sudden I feel like I'm going to throw up so I stumble to the bathroom and puke in the toilet. I vomit and vomit untill all that comes up is water and my head hurts so bad. I rest my head down on the toilet and slowly my eyes start to shut.

I wake up to someone rubbing my back and I groan as my head starts pounding and pounding. "Chels? Are you okay?" I hear Conan's voice "I saw the empty bottle on the carpet" He whispers. "My head hurts so bad." I say "What time is it?" I ask "It's 1:30" He says passing me a glass of water and an advil. "In the afternoon?" I grumble out. "Yeah." He says kissing my forehead and helping me up to the couch. "I got here a half hour ago and I cleaned up for you. Dani and Fred are fed and I threw out the bottle" He says. "I think you need to stop self sabotaging yourself like this" He says "I think you need to be quiet" I say lowly. He laughs a little bit before getting up and cooking some pancakes for us. By the time he's done, my headache was mostly gone and so I grabbed Dan and she layed down beside me as I ate the pancakes. "Those will soak up the rest of the alcohol in your body." He says and turns the office on. I check my phone when the theme song comes on and see how many drunk dm's I sent to Billie and Phoebe. Me and Billie Eilish met a few years back at some party and we clicked immediately. "is everything aight? you seem a lil tipsy" She texted at 2 am. "oh shit. sorry I was high and drunk asf" I respond. "you finna had me scared for shit for a sec when you didn't reply" she says "yeah shit sorry" I looked at how many messages I had from Phoebe. I knew she was pissed from how many texts she sent. I decided that it was best I didn't respond. "all good:) see you tomorrow?" Billie responds, referring to Kylie Jenner's Halloween party. "hell yeah!" I respond. I was going as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. When the episode of the office finished we watched "Ponyo" and then we had a small dinner before putting on "Howl's Moving Castle" and falling asleep on the couch.

a/n: hiiiii! i hope you enjoyed this chapter! It was pretty heavy! next chapter is a big mental health chapter so make sure to take care of yourself