Red Flag

Chapter 28

TW: mention of anxiety/panic attacks and suicidal thoughts

Ryan's P.O.V

My eyes shot open as the sun light bounced off the wall in front of me and into my face. My mouth was dry and my head pounded as if my brain was using a hammer to break my skull, I slipped out of Matt's hold ever so carefully and stepped off the bed to go to the bedside table, where I saw a water bottle.

I opened the drawer slowly so it wouldn't make noise, it would wake Matt up and it would make my head hurt even more. Popping an aspiring out I downed it with water, then my bladder woke up so I rushed to the bathroom.

When I was done doing my think I washed my hands, and splashed my face with water to wake myself up fully.

As I touched my neck I felt it hurt as if there were a bruise on it, my skin is weird like that sometimes, so I didn't put much thought into it until I saw it in the mirror. There it was, a huge hickey resting on the left side of my neck.

I inspected it while trying to track down in what moment Matt and I did the dirty yesterday, then it hit me, is not like him to leave hickeys in display like this. He usually leaves them on my shoulders or ribcage, but never on my neck.

A memory from last night slowly crept into my head as I squinted my eyes at the bruise on my neck.

《RUDY!!》 My mind screamed at me and my eyes went as wide as possible.

Suddenly I was doubled over the toilet, throwing up, not because the idea of having slept with Rudy Pankow in the flesh disgusted me, but because I had cheated on my boyfriend. The anxious reaction was immediate, my mind started spinning as I tried to think how I was gonna explain it to Matt.

《I can't tell Matt! He's gonna hate me, he's gonna leave me, I can't lose him, I don't wanna lose Matt, he makes me happy, I like being happy! Why did I have to do this to him? Why couldn't I stop and say no?! How did I not think of stopping? Did I even think of stopping?!》

Is all I could think off as I kept throwing up. I stood up, the gag reflex now being sort of an anxious tic whenever an image of what I did with the blonde boy last night flashed through my mind.

I tip toed out of the bathroom and into Matt's room, to get my makeup bag, and then went to the kitchen, to get the wisk. The first thing I did was put my head band on and wipe the makeup rests Matt hadn't gotten last night when he did this in the dark. And then I pressed the wisk to my bruise, rolling it around and holding in my cries as it hurt.

Great, so now I was trying not to cry and not to gag. Good job, Evans. I stopped after a few seconds when I noticed it was only getting worst. Taking my concealer out I smeared a little bit on the hickey with the applicator and it covered it, just a little, it was somehow even more visible now than before the concealer, which was usually a perfect match.

I put everything away and leaned on the sink, still gagging as I tried to think of something else. Then I remembered that one time Violet had told me that she lied to her mom about a hickey, saying she had burned herself with her hair straighter and actually ended up doing it cause the bruise didn't look like a burn.

《I have no choice》I thought, opening the bathroom door once again.

I put everything back in its place and took out my curling wand, checking that Matt was still asleep. He was snoring like a bear so, if that wasn't sleeping I don't know what it is.

I ended up throwing up again as I waited for the curling wand to heat up. It was finally hot enough and there I stood, curling wand in hand, tears in my eyes and hell breaking loose in my head.