PEREGRINATE

CHAPTER 23

Hurt people hurt others. Hurt people hurt others. Hurt people hurt others.

I repeated the phrase in my mind as I frantically searched for an empty room or closet. My tears blinded me, however, my need to hide myself was overpowering. However I was aware that I was not culpable, and yet I was so ashamed. I was not prepared for Inder's verbal assault. Actually, I could never have been prepared. Even in my wildest dreams, I could not have fathomed the thoughtful and light-hearted young man that I knew could be capable of saying such hurtful words. I was a bleeding soul and I needed to lick my wounds in private.

I finally found a room, I had never ever stepped in. With its windows closed it had the musty odor of a forgotten room. The thick curtains allowed the barest amount of light to illuminate the room, so I left the door ajar to let some light in. A thick layer of dust had built upon the sheets that covered the furniture. In fact, the room resembled those shown in horror movies- empty and haunted. At the moment any ghost would have to find a different place to haunt as this room happened to be occupied.

I sat down on a covered chair with my face in my hands and elbows on my knees. Where do I go from here? My mind was a bedlam of worries, confusion, and fear. 

I needed privacy to recuperate and put my thoughts in place. The castle was well alive now and I could hear the hustle and bustles of the others moving downstairs. They all were getting ready for the day and yet here I was desperately needing a do-over.

I could not help but listen to Inder's hurtful words speechless. No sooner than I had confirmed my own suspicions and gotten a hold of myself, he had to barge in and shatter me all over again. The acerbic words kept repeating in a loop.

However, just beneath the hurt lay the anger. Who was he to make those assumptions? And those horrid and baseless accusations? I had no desire to sully myself with his presence. As far as his protection, if he could wield his weapon half as well as he wielded that mouth of his he was capable of protecting himself. I no longer had any desire to put myself in harm's desire.

My anger lay beneath a thick layer of hurt. However, the opposite was true for him. I was able to understand his anguish and his feelings of betrayal. But he chose to verbalize the wrong emotion. 

Instead of expressing his confusion and pain, he chose to inflict the same pain he felt on me. He had gone ahead of himself and assumed that he was the only one who had been wronged. My fair and wise future king gave into his wrath and made sure I felt the scorching heat of the flames.

I had to protect myself and this kid within me. Going forward I needed to look out for myself, something that I had been neglecting all this while. Also, I needed to figure out when I was due. I had been here just over three months, however, the baby's movements were strong. He must be older than three months. 

The thought of spending a minimum of six months here did not appeal to me much. And then there would come the questions once I delivered him. How would I answer them? What sins did I commit in the past life that I had to face such an impossible situation? I could not imagine an outcome that would be favorable to me.

And then arose the issue of his father. I was obviously not present during conception so I did not know about him. And by now I had gone through most possessions of the actual Maitri. There had been nothing that she could have received from a suitor.

If it was someone from the castle or even the village, he could have approached me by now. Though Kabir had been flirtatious, he never hinted that we were committed to each other.

Prior to Inder's tantrum, I could have considered him as a potential suitor but now that was out of the question.

Maitri, what have you been up to all this while and could you please handle your problems anytime now? I sent out a quick prayer heavenwards and waited for a few moments, hoping foolishly that a solution, namely the actual Maitri, would appear out of thin air. However, when it was apparent that I was to receive no help, I got up to join the world. If I allowed myself, I would drive myself crazy by just searching for an inconceivable solution.  

On my way to the door, a movement startled me and I knocked against a table. After letting out a hiss of pain, I took a closer look. It turned out that I was spooked by my own reflection. This empty room had a mirror after all. I started laughing hysterically. The early morning debacle could have been avoided and I could not have chased away the only person I trusted and relied upon. After a few hiccups, I sobered up and walked out of the room.

I ignored Nani's curious looks and joined the others for breakfast. I joked around with Kabir, prepared Laksh's plate for him, and promised Kashi to hem her skirt for her. I forced myself to appear normal and forced the food down my throat. I had no appetite but I did not want the little guy to go hungry. I did my all to make sure the others could not hear the sound of my heart breaking. I was so convincing that by the end of the day, I had once again deluded myself into believing I could come out of this experience unscathed, both mentally and physically. 

Author's Corner:

My apologies for the short chapter but longer and much more eventful parts are awaiting you all!!!

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