Whumptober 2023 ~ Marvel Edition

'It Should Have Been Me.' - Peter

Day 6:

"Do or die, you'll never make me, because the world will never take my heart."
Recording | Made To Watch | "It should have been me."

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TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE

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May swore her hands had never shaken so hard in her life.

She kept trying and trying to get the damn thumb drive into her laptop, but she kept missing or not having it at the right angle, and she was sure the stress was going to give her an aneurysm. After her fifth attempt, Happy laid one of his hands gently on top of hers and placed the other on her shoulder. May stopped and took in a small breath before turning to look at Happy.

Trying to show as much empathy as possible, Happy gave her a small nod, took the drive out of May's hands, and inserted it into the laptop for her. In an attempt to calm herself a bit more, May rubbed the sides of her face and let out a breath of air.

Turning the laptop towards himself, Happy took over the controls so that May could finish composing herself; he knew she'd need it. Whatever it was on this flash drive...well, he had a feeling they weren't going to feel any better afterwards.

The only file on the USB was an mp4. Happy looked to May for the okay to open it, and when she nodded, he took a moment to mentally prepare himself for the worst and double-clicked. Immediately, it opened up a window with a video, and sat dead center of the screen was Peter, who was sitting in a chair, with one of his hands seemingly on whatever mousepad his laptop had. When Happy hit play, Peter pulled his arm into himself and folded his hands in his lap.

"Hi," Peter greeted airily, as if trying his best to hold back tears.

May almost broke in that moment. Hearing his voice again, and hearing it sound so sad...it broke her more than she knew she could ever be broken. He may not have been her son, but she loved him like he was her own. To know that he had been hurting so much when she was just down the hall from her made her angry at herself for not noticing the signs sooner. Sure, she knew he'd been having a hard time because of all of the public backlash he'd been getting, but she never knew it had gotten anywhere near this bad. How was she supposed to go on knowing that she didn't do all she could've to keep him safe? Wasn't that her job as his guardian?

Peter's gaze dropped to his hands, and he began pulling on his thumbs. The boy took in a deep breath and forced his gaze back to his camera.

"First I want to start this off by saying how sorry I am," Peter said, then paused. "I-I can't imagine how hard this must be on you all, and I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you; I never wanted to hurt anyone." He took in a shaky breath and let it out. "May, Ned, MJ, even Happy...you've all been nothing but amazing to me, and I hate myself for doing what I'm about to do - or what's already done by the time you see this - but...I just...I can't do it anymore."

As Peter's voice cracked, so did May's heart. Seeing the tears start brimming his eyes made May's own start doing the same.

"I just...I have so much pressure and responsibility as Spider-Man, and I used to love that, but ever since Mysterio it's just been nothing but a weight on my shoulders. I know I didn't kill Beck, and I know you guys know I didn't kill him, but most of the world seems to think I did, and it's hard to keep your mood positive when half of the population is calling you a monster, you know? It's like, deep down I know that's not true, and I don't know when exactly it happened, but somewhere along the line I think I started to believe it was true? Not fully, but at least somewhat, I think.

"I know that nothing I say is going to make you understand why I'm choosing to do what I'm about to do, but I-I think this is for the best. Even before all of this crap with Mysterio came to the surface, things just haven't been the same since I came back from the Blip. After Mr. Stark died, I just...I don't know, a part of me feels like it died on that field with him. Like maybe it would've been better if I hadn't made it out, or that I'd died instead of Mr. Stark.

"I was so close to him when he picked up the gauntlet; if I'd noticed sooner, maybe I could've gotten to it before he did. Maybe it would've been easier for me to use it because of my abilities, or maybe I would've ended up exactly the same as he did, but at least then the world would be better off. Everything only got so screwed because of me. He would've known how to handle all of this. And maybe Mysterio wouldn't have gotten as far as he did. And at least Morgan would still get to have a dad."

A single tear escaped Peter's eye, and he quickly wiped it away with the back of his sleeve.

"I'm sorry, I'm rambling; I'll try to keep this short," he continued. "I love...each and every one of you. You've been nothing but kind to me for as long as I've known you, and I hope you know just how much I appreciate and love you all for that. I wish more than anything that it didn't have to be this way, but everyone has a breaking point, and...I guess I've just reached mine. I know that this won't be easy, but I need you all to promise me one thing, and one thing only.

"...That you'll move on. I'm not expecting you to be able to right away, obviously, but after you've grieved and time has allowed for this all to be just a little less painful, I want you all to live your lives. Just because I..." Peter paused to clear his throat and compose himself, but despite his attempts, a few tears rolled down his cheeks, which he quickly attempted to wipe away again. "Just because I won't be here with you, doesn't mean you shouldn't try to find happiness again. You all deserve so much more than this, and I'm so sorry, but please don't let yourselves fall into the same darkness I did. You can get through this; I know you can."

Peter took in a breath and shakily blew it out before returning his gaze back to his lap. After a few moments of silence, his eyes snapped back up to meet the camera and he forced a sad smile.

"I...I hope you can find it in yourselves to forgive me," Peter said, one last freeing itself from his tear duct. "I love you all so much."

Peter then quickly bit his lip to keep himself from breaking down in that last moment before his hand reached the mousepad and the video paused on the boy's tearful face.

It was silent for a few seconds, but that quiet was broken by the sound of May's sobs. Happy frowned and pulled her into a hug without hesitation. It didn't matter that they weren't together anymore; he would always be there for her if she needed it, especially now. Besides, he needed that hug almost as much as she did.

He shushed her soothingly in hopes of calming her, however part of it was to give himself something to do in order to keep himself from breaking down as well.

"I'm sorry," Happy murmured, his low to hide its shakiness. "I'm so, so sorry."