Whumptober 2023 ~ Marvel Edition

'What Happened to Me?' - Loki

Day 29:

"I only sink deeper the deeper I think."
Scented Candles | Troubled Past Resurfacing | "What happened to me?"

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TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPT

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Life in prison was boring.

With little to do but read the few books Frigga had managed to sneak down for him, Loki minded his time with reading, sleeping, meditating, and...well that was it, really. Of course there were the meals that came three times a day, so in order to put off having to return to the nothing awaiting him when he was done, he dragged out each meal as long as possible, not caring if the food was cold by the time he finished. As sad as it was, the act of chewing and swallowing his food had become the highlight of his days, so he tried to take advantage of it when he could.

Loki's next meal was due to come in about an hour or so, if he had counted the passing hours correctly, but with little else to do in the meantime - reading was out of the question because his eyes had grown tired from reading for the better part of the afternoon - the god decided that he wanted to meditate. Sometimes, if he was able to focus enough, he could go into a state where time seemed irrelevant and before he knew it, whatever time he was trying to pass would pass.

Today the prison seemed relatively quiet, so Loki had no trouble clearing his mind and delving into that deep meditative state. In fact, he did it much faster than he would have thought possible without the assistance of his candles. Whether or not the scent of them actually had a significant impact on his ability to meditate, Loki didn't know, but he never questioned it in the past;  he always had them there anyway to assist him.

For some reason, once Loki reached his meditative state, his mind kept slipping back to the events on the Bifrost the previous year, and he kept having to push those images out of his mind so that he could focus on much calmer thoughts. Despite his best efforts, nothing could keep his mind from returning to that time, and eventually he gave in and let his mind wander. He didn't know why his subconscious insisted on having him re-live such an awful time in his life, but since he had nothing better to do, why wouldn't he dwell and immerse himself into the rage and hurt he felt when thinking about the time his so-called brother pushed him to his death while his own father stood by and watched?

The memory started off just as he remembered it, Loki and Thor fought on the Bifrost bridge until Thor broke it with Mjolnir and the energy from the bridge collapsing sent them flying. He watched the memory with sadness in his heart at what he knew was to come. Loki knew that he would land on the very edge of what remained of the Bifrost, and that Thor would land next to him, he would see Odin come into view, explain to them how he did what he did out of loyalty to them, and then without another word, Thor would grab onto his shoulder and toss him into the abyss.

But he didn't land on the edge, no; he just kept falling. Loki's adrenaline shot straight up. What was happening? Why hadn't he landed yet? What was his subscious trying to show him, and why did that mean deviating from this particular memory's original path?

Loki looked out and saw Gungnir out in front of him, and in a desperate attempt at saving himself, he grabbed a hold of it. Thankfully it seemed that someone else had grabbed the other end of the staff, because a moment later, he finally felt himself come to a crashing halt. When Loki looked up, he saw Thor grabbing a hold of the other end of Gungnir, hanging over the edge of the Bifrost as well while Odin held Thor by his ankle from atop the bridge.

"I could have done it, Father!" he suddenly found himself saying. He remembered the words well, but what he did not remember was the intensity of the pain and defeat behind them. He remembered looking for the All-Father's approval, but not the feeling as though he would die if he did not receive it. "For you! For all of us!"

Loki remembered the look of disgust and distrust on Odin's face so clearly, but here, in this version of his memory, Loki only saw sadness and disappointment, and in the silence he expected to follow, he heard Odin say just above a whisper, "No, Loki."

Loki's heart ached with the knowledge that he would never be good enough. He had never felt like he fit in - of course he knew the truth of why now - though skilled in magic and could hold his own in a fight, he would never be as physically strong as Thor, and in many ways more than just strength, Loki had always felt second to Thor. All he ever wanted to be was his equal, and with those mere two words, Odin had just proved to him that he never would be. That all of this was for nothing. And in that moment, he knew there was only one thing left to do.

As he contemplated his next move, Loki's vision tunneled onto the image of his father and Thor, and his emotions began to numb and dull as he became at peace with his new fate. Loki loosened his grip on the staff, though not having let go completely yet - a movement of which Thor seemed to notice.

"Loki, no," he heard his brother say desperately.

Without another thought, Loki relaxed the muscles in his hand and embraced the gravity pulling him towards his downfall with open arms.

"NO!"

He had to admit that the pain and grief laced into Thor's tone hurt him a bit, but Loki didn't care. What was the point? He wouldn't be around in a minute to, anyway. There was nothing left for him in this life but misery and disappointment, so why cling onto someone so hard when he knew he would be at peace soon?

The image of his father and brother peering at him sadly faded further and further from view, until finally, he snapped out of the memory and awoke in his cell. Loki gasped for air as he attempted to slow his breathing, his eyes flickering back and forth as he attempted to process what in Hel he had just seen.

What had his memory turned into? Was it even real? It certainly felt real, but it couldn't be, could it? He had such a clear memory of events as he thought he knew them, but this...this was something different. If anything, this memory felt clearer than the one he previously knew to be true. If that was the case, if this new memory was the true memory, then what did that mean? Had everything he had fought for on his conquest of Midgard been a lie? How had his memory of events become so screwed up? And, most importantly, if he had one memory that was not correct...did that mean there were more? If so, why? Who did this to him? Had he done this to himself because rage was an easier emotion to feel than the depression he had felt so deeply in this newly resurfaced memory?

The feeling of wetness on his face pulled him out of his own head a little bit and he quickly wiped away the collected tears. His breathing a little bit more under control, Loki uncrossed his legs, stood up, and sat down on his bed, staring blankly into nothing in particular.

"...What happened to me?"