Whumptober 2023 ~ Marvel Edition

'I Thought That I Was Getting Better.' - Stucky

Day 31:

"I thought that I was getting better."
Emptiness | Setbacks | "Take it easy."

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TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPT

A/N: Apologies if this feels at all rushed and/or too fast-paced; I didn't get as much time as I would've hoped to write this particular prompt so this was all I was really able to do with it. If the ending feels like it came on to fast, I swear I did my best to avoid that and apologize in advance.

~~~

As Steve walked up to Bucky's old apartment, his anxiety shot to astronomical levels.

From what he could gather, it had only been about three months for Bucky, but for Steve, it had been three years. He hadn't meant to come back so late after the date he'd originally gone back in time, but apparently programming those suits took more than Steve had ever given Tony credit for, and he'd overshot the time he wanted.

Steve's original plan was to go back and live out his days in the sixties with Peggy, and for a time, he was happy there, but after a year or so, he began to feel like he was missing something. It wasn't until another year afterwards that he realized that thing was Bucky, and it took him yet another year to admit to himself that he wanted to go back to him. It wasn't that he didn't love Peggy, but after the initial excitement of being back with her faded, he had to come to terms with reality, which he concluded was that Peggy was a thing of his past. Trying to form a life with her was only a desperate attempt on his part to regain some semblance of his old life - a life that wasn't his anymore. He wasn't that same kid that lived in the forties, and honestly, he didn't know if he wanted to be. Not after everything he'd been through.

Sure, maybe Bucky was a part of his old life too, but Bucky was more than that. Somehow, by the grace of whatever God watched them from above, Bucky had become a part of his new life in the twenty-first century. Steve had spent so much time missing his past that he didn't appreciate the things he did have in his present until it was too late. Besides, despite being physically better than he'd been before his time with the Wakandans, Bucky still wasn't doing so great mentally, and the longer he stayed in the 1940s, the more his guilt about leaving him in the future grew.

Steve wasn't sure what the chances of Bucky still being at his old apartment were, but it was a place to start. If he wasn't there, then he would cross that bridge when he came to it, but for now, it was the only plan he had. As he approached the door, he raised his fist to knock, hesitating for a few seconds before finally rasping his knuckles against the splintered wood.

A few moments of silence passed by, and Steve knocked again. After a little longer of no response from the other side, Steve was about turn around and maybe try again later, but much to his surprise, the door opened up to reveal Bucky standing in the doorway. At first glance, the corners of Steve's lips grew into a wide smile, but the minute his gaze reached Bucky's, his smile dissipated and was replaced by a look of concern.

Bucky's eyes were red, as if he had been crying, his hair was slick with grease like he hadn't showered in days, and something in his expression told Steve that something was very much not okay with him, like for a brief moment he had been able to see into his soul and decipher that it had been through the wringer and back.

The moment Bucky realized who was standing at his door, his eyes widened with almost a fearful gaze and as if pushed back by the force of his shock, Bucky took a step back, having to steady himself with the door so that he wouldn't fall over.

"Bucky?" Steve asked, his eyebrows knitted together in concern.

"...You're not real," Bucky muttered to himself as his breathing began to pick up. He let his hand fall from its grasp on the door, swung it close to shut, and turned to walk back further into his apartment.