(Highly recommended to go through the trigger warning list again.)
~ Age Five ~
I'm finally getting used to being in the new place. It gets too cold, and the place is kinda empty-ish, but I still like it. I like my new house too. It's big and cool and has a backyard. Mommy and Dad are worried about some job thing though and keep getting mad.
They got kicked out of their previous one and we had to move houses because these big and scary men came and took it.
Mommy told me they won't come again, and I believe her. She never lies to me. Right now, she told me to play around the house while she and Dad get things set up.
My parents—they smile at me and ruffle my hair but there's something wrong with it nowadays. Whenever Mom and Dad smiled at me, their eyes used to have this light that made me feel all warm and happy. But now their smile seems forced, and it makes me worried.
One night when I couldn't sleep all alone in my bedroom, I creep outside to sneak into mommy and dad's room again. Dad scolds me for being a scaredy-cat but I always try to act brave by telling them that I'm protecting them.
I don't find them in their room though.
There's light coming from downstairs, in the kitchen, so I sneakily walk there.
I stop when I hear their voices. That's not what makes me stop though. It's the anger and sadness in their tones that makes me hold my breath.
"Have a fucking child you say. It will make our marriage better you say. Well, look how much a child is costing us!" It's Dad's voice. And he sounds mad. His voice is a little slurry too. I already know it's because of those dark bottles he keeps drinking. I see those bottles with him all the time nowadays.
"Don't put this on Sean. He has no fault in this." Mom defends.
I furrow my eyebrows. They're talking about me?
"You're right. It's not his fault. It's yours. Fucking bitch. I was way better off without marrying you."
"If I knew you would turn out to be such a lazy retarded asshole then I wouldn't have fucking married you too!" Mom snaps back.
Tears fill my eyes. Why are they fighting? I've never seen them fight before. They're using bad words too. They told me not to use bad words, but now they're fighting each other with it.
Dad sighs, noisily taking another sip from the dark bottle. I can see their shadows but I'm too scared to take a step forward and see them face to face. So I remain hiding behind the wall.
"Well, now my house is gone. My job is gone. My parents fucking cut me off. All because I chose to marry you."
"Why did you then? If you so fucking regret it then why did you?" Mom sounds very angry.
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No Shame in Desiring | 18+
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