Sideways

Chapter 33 AKA PRIDE Weekend Part 1

pride - noun

The quality or state of being proud, such asa) reasonable self-esteem: confidence and satisfaction in oneself: self-respectb) pleasure that comes from some relationship, association, achievement, or possession that is seen as a source of honor, respect, etc.c) exaggerated self-esteem
a) Pride: respect and appreciation for oneself and others as members of a group, especially a marginalized group: solidarity with a group based on a shared identity, history, and experienceb) Pride: an event or series of events celebrating and affirming the rights, equality, and culture of LGBTQ peopleA source of pride: a person or thing that makes you feel proudA group of lions living together...

Nope, I went too deep, Eddie thinks to himself when he gets to the definition of pride, detailing Lions and how they live together. He absentmindedly lays his iPad on the counter, letting his mind wander.

This topic is something Eddie has been struggling with. What does it mean to be proud? What does it mean to show pride? Is Eddie proud? It feels like a very heavy and loaded question.

Eddie is not ashamed. Well, now he's not. Was he at one time? Yes, and very much so. That was primarily due to how he was raised. Eddie himself was always a very kind and accepting person. However, in the Diaz house, men don't kiss men, men don't dance, men don't listen to that music, men don't cry, men like women and only women. One by one, the expectations of what men do and don't do were drilled into him by his parents.

Eddie never understood why, but it's not something he challenged as a child. It was hard enough to help his mother raise his sisters while his father was off working, never mind challenging how his mother and father raised them.

The one time a five-year-old Eddie did ask Helena, "Why boys can't kiss boys?" He was met with a smack across his face. He never told anyone about it; honestly, he forgot about it until now. If there was one thing Eddie was good at, it was compartmentalizing and repressing the shit out of life. Now that he has uncovered this memory, he allows his mind to wander, attempting to recall any other times either of his parents reacted in such a way.

There was the day when Helena came home and found him and Adriana singing and dancing to Abba's "Gimme Gimme." He let Adriana put makeup on his face. What did he care? It didn't make him a girl, but it made his sister happy and helped occupy her while they were home alone. That also earned him another smack. "Boys don't dance to music like that! You are not a maricon, Edmundo!" He wasn't allowed to play with Adriana for a month after that.

A grown Eddie now realizes how fucked up that was. Not only was a nine-year-old Eddie left alone with a five-year-old Adriana, but his mother physically and emotionally abused him. None of that is ok. He needs to bring this up to Frank and probably talk to Buck, Sophia, and Adriana.

Looking back on it now, Helena was responsible for much of Eddie's loneliness as a child. Eddie was an affectionate kid. His next-door neighbor, Tyler, was his best friend. Tyler fell and hurt himself, and Eddie hugged him to comfort him. When Helena caught Eddie hugging him, Eddie was banned from sleepovers. What kind of parent stops kids from hanging out because they hugged each other?

Eddie was seven years old and couldn't understand why his mother wouldn't let him see his best friend. Now, adding all of these things up, Eddie knows why. This whole self-reflection time only adds to Eddie's anxiety about facing his mother and father and coming out to them in a few weeks.

Eddie thinks about coming out, and when he first really started down the road to feeling comfortable with himself and his feelings for Buck. He focuses on the memory of when Frank finally touched on Buck's role in his life and what Buck meant to him. Eddie didn't react in a way that made him proud, that's for sure. It took time, and he hated himself at first. Eddie wasn't gay or any type of queer, nope, can't happen, boys don't like boys, in his mother's voice is all he heard over and over.