Hearts Series 3: Hearts in Chaos

Chapter Seven

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Chapter Seven

Conscience

"Are you really a doctor, Iris?" Dad just insulted me with his words...

Yumuko na lang ako pagkatapos kong tumingin sa kaniya. I wanted to try and explain myself, but then I just stayed quiet habang pinapagalitan o pinagsasabihan ako ni Daddy. We're still here in the hospital pero kaming dalawa lang naman ni daddy ang nandito sa kung saan niya ako kinakausap ngayon.

After an operation na pinapangunahan ko, it failed and it explains why dad is here right now and talking to me about it.

I didn't want our VIP patient to die. I know it in myself that I did my best, too. Pero talagang hindi ko na naligtas ang buhay nito...

And I think I understand dad. Hindi na lang siya basta doctor dito sa hospital. He's close friends to the Dela Cuestas and also their business partner. And his daughter is a failure... Nakakahiya sa mga may-ari ng ospital at kaibigan pa sila ni daddy. So I understand. I was a shame to my father...

Masakit din naman sa akin ito. Especially as a doctor. I also feel that I failed in saving a patient...

"I'm sorry, Dad..." I can only say.

After that umalis na rin pagkatapos si daddy nang galit pa sa akin. I also just gave him stress. At nang mawala na si daddy sa harapan ko at tumalikod na rin ako at naglakad nang dahandahan. As if I didn't know where to go or what to do next...

Galing lang ako sa loob ng operating room kanina. And now I'm still in my scrub suit that I wore earlier together with the surgical gown na hinubad ko lang din kanina pagkatapos sa operating room. Napatingin ako sa mga kamay kong halos maputla ang kulay, hinubad ko na rin at tinapon na lang kanina ang latex gloves ko pagkatapos din.

Halos wala pa ako sa sariling naglalakad lang hanggang sa huminto ako. Pagkatapos ay frustrated na lang akong napasabunot sa buhok ko. And then my uncontrollable tears just fell continuously on my face after I was left alone.

I just wanted to make my father proud. Kaya nga ginawa ko ang lahat para lang maging doctor kagaya ng alam kong gusto niya sana noon para sa kapatid ko...

And now it hit me. That I will never be my brother. Maraming pangarap si Dad para sa kapatid ko na namatay. And I wonder if ever my father had a dream for me, too...

"Iris..."

Marahan akong nag-angat ng tingin at nakita ko si Stephen. And then I realized that he just called me in my first name now. Not Doctor Umali like what he usually addresses me here in the hospital.

Ang tagal na since the last time I heard Stephen just calling me Iris... My name sounds familiar on his lips and his voice brings back memories again...

I even tried to wipe my tears, pero bumuhos pa lalo ang mga luha ko nang lapitan na ako ni Stephen. Napatakip na lang ang mga kamay ko sa mukha ko—trying to cover my tears but it's useless. Alam na ni Stephen na umiiyak ako.

It's not my thing to show people my weakness. Dahil mula pa man noon kahit nahihirapan din ako ay tahimik lang akong nagpapatuloy pa rin. And I just realized that I didn't really have even one close friend, who I can cry on to—like a best friend... Hindi rin ako makapaglabas ng nararamdaman ko kahit na lang sana sa kay Mommy, because I didn't want her worried...

And up until now I just kept it all to myself...

I feel pity for myself more thinking about it.

And then I felt Stephen's gentle embrace... Medyo nagulat pa ako pero hinayaan ko na lang din siya na yakapin ako and to comfort me... as I just continue to cry in his arms now...

Sinubukan pa akong patahanin ni Stephen. "It's not your fault, Iris. It was time for her to go..." He said pertaining to our patient who just died in my hands...

"Daddy's blaming me... At wala rin akong masabi dahil pakiramdam ko ay kasalanan ko rin. I'm not that good of a doctor..." I said as new tears fell down my cheeks again.

"No, Iris. Please don't say that." Stephen said.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan pa kami naging ganito ka-close sa isa't isa ulit. The last time that we were this close was when we were still children...

Pero hinayaan ko na lang muna si Stephen na samahan ako ngayon. And I let my guards down with him. I felt comforted by him, too...

And when everything was done—when the thing was done, I just felt awkward around Stephen after. He only tried to comfort me. And I let myself be weak with him at that time. Basta ay nahihiya na ako ngayon sa nangyari. Tsk.

"Doctor Umali?"

Halos mapatalon pa ako nang may tumawag sa akin. Nag-iingat kasi ako ngayon na hindi kami magkasalubong ni Stephen. Bumaling ako sa likod ko at nakita kong hindi naman si Stephen and tumawag sa akin. Ngumiti ako kay doktora. "Doctora..." I greeted her politely and then we started talking about something.

Pagkatapos ay nagpatuloy lang din ako sa paggawa ng rounds ko sa hospital. Pareho pa rin na iniiwasan ko na magkita kami ni Stephen. Hindi rin naman kami pareho ng ward ngayon. At isa pa ay sa mga VIP patients na siya na assigned...

I just sighed and go on with my day at the Dela Cuesta Medical.

Pero talaga nga namang pagkatapos ng araw ay nagkita pa rin kami ni Stephen kahit gaano pa kalaki itong ospital. Iiwasan ko pa sana siya at liliko ako ng daan pero tingin ko ay mas lalo nang awkward dahil masyado na iyong obvious din sa kaniya kaya hinarap ko na lang din siya with my awkward smile.

"What's wrong?" Bahagya namang kumunot lang ang noon niya sa akin.

Inayos ko naman agad ang hitsura ko sa harapan niya at inalis na rin ang peke kong ngiti. Umiling ako kay Stephen. "Uh, wala naman, Doctor Guevarra..." I said, unsure.

"Are you sure?" Tinanong pa niya ako.

Agad din naman ang pagtango ko sa kaniya. "Yes, I'm okay..." And I just awkwardly smiled again... Tsk. What's wrong, Iris! Really?

"Are you on a little break, too? Do you want to get some snacks together?" He asked me next.

Umawang pa ang labi ko at hindi ko agad nabigay ang sagot ko sa paanyaya niya sa akin. Nakita ko ang bahagyang pag-angat ng kilay niya sa paghihintay ng sagot ko. And then slowly I nodded my head at sumama na lang ako sa kaniya sa cafe ng hospital sa baba...

And I realized that Stephen was just the same as before... He's still kind and gentle to me... Well, dahil mukhang hindi pa naman niya ako iniinis muli ngayon, tsk.

But nonetheless he's still good to me. He even comforted me that time. So it hit my conscience now that I still think of him as competition... Dahil na rin sa estado namin dito sa ospital at sa mga papuri ni Daddy sa kay Stephen...

I know that it's not his fault. Kaya naman inusig pa ako ng konsensya ko lalo. Kasi wala namang ginagawang masama si Stephen but I still have the guts to hate on him...

But when I just started to feel soft for him, that's when he also acted like an idiot and getting on my nerves again. Just like the old times... Tsk.