Blink Back To Let Me Know -Brallon-

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Brendon is draped over me on the couch. His smooth, tattooed skin, warm and inviting. His hand is resting on my chest and I slowly rub his thumb with mine while he breathes a content sigh.

I love this man, I honestly do.
I just don't think he has the time or patience to deal with my emotions, it wouldn't be fair to him.

After the last time I broke down, he swore up and down that he would never let anything happen to me. We were just barely friends/band mates at that time. I was overwhelmed from touring and I felt so far out of my element that I just wanted to sleep...forever. I had been seeing a therapist back at home and managing my meds from the road. I thought it would be okay since I was surrounded by friends, doing something I truly wanted to do.

Turns out, I was wrong. I was really wrong. A part of my brain kept telling me how terrible I was and I started to self harm again. I didnt know how else to cope. I didnt want anyone to worry.

I could do it on my legs or on my hips and no one would ever see it. I was safe I thought. Except that I always forget that being on a bus for the majority of the year leaves you little to no privacy. I found this out when Brendon walked in on me in the bathroom one night after a show while I was cutting my hip .

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, DALLON?!!" there was a panic in his voice that I have never wanted to hear again.

I froze. I didn't know what to say.

"I uh, I uh...Fuck! Goddammit!!" I broke down dropping the razor blade onto the floor and sobbed into my hands.

Brendon bent down and picked up the blade eyeing it cautiously.

"I'm sorry, I am just really overwhelmed, B." I could barely speak. My eyes welling with salty tears that were beginning to pool in my now trembling hands.

He closed the door behind him (which was a feat among itself in this tiny, tin-can of a bathroom) and stared at me with these sad eyes. I could tell he was choosing his words carefully.

"Dallon." he cleared his throat a bit and says softly, "Dall, it's okay, you can talk to me you know? I will always listen."

"It's stupid, B. I don't know what I was thinking. Old habits die hard, right?" My voice was muffled but, I gave a small tired chuckle.

I still haven't looked at him.

"Dall, I understand, okay? Trust me. Just please come to me if you ever feel this way. Okay? I will help you any way I can. We can go get drunk or fuck with Zack or something, anything, okay?" He laughed his normal gregarious laugh and winked at me as I turned to look at him.

"Look" he said, " We still have 3 more months left of tour, let's try to make the most of it. Hmm?" I can't resist those sparking eyes and sad pathetic pout.

"I'll try, Brendon. I just fucked up tonight, man. I'm sorry."

He gave me this knowing look and put his hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze he says "I know, Dall." and walks out of the bathroom, taking the blade with him and closing the door behind him.

I cleaned and bandaged my wounds and went back to my bunk. I was intending on hiding my blades but it looks like Brendon already got to them. I couldn't really be mad though, It felt nice that he cared.

True to his word, he kept an eye on me the next 3 months. He never outwardly said it but, I could see him sneaking looks when I would change back stage. Half of me wanted to believe he just wanted a peak of what I had to offer (nothing at best) and the other half knew he was looking for fresh wounds. I just smiled at him and winked and he did the same. We kept it between ourselves, which I am thankful of.

I was fighting these demons that he knew nothing about but, I appreciated the help. To be honest, I wanted to get better but, I didn't and I was tired of doing this every day.

Brendon and I got a bit closer before the end of tour. He and I talked a lot which helps when I feel so down. He even held me one night when I had a massive panic attack on our day off. He made me take my meds (which I hate) and then laid next to me until I finally fell asleep on the lounge couch in the back of the bus.

Having him around is comforting, he makes me feel safe.

So, I waited until the tour was over to make a decision.

We would be home in the morning and no one would suspect anything was amiss until after, hopefully way after.

We were back in Vegas at around 9 am that day, I said my goodbyes to the rest of the band and told them I would see them in a few weeks when we were able to get into our recording space.

"Hey, Dallon!" Brendon shouted as I walked to my car. I turned around and he was right there behind me, making me jump.

"Uh, yea, B. What's up?" I said a bit nervously.

"You wanna like hang out tomorrow? I mean, I know we just spent all that time on tour and everything but, can we?"

"Yeah, sure, B. Uh, call me after 12."

I hope I didn't cringe when I said that.

"Looking forward to it!" he shouts as he smiles that goofy grin and practically sprints to his car.

I had already had it in mind. I saved all my meds from tour. I don't know if anyone noticed I wasn't taking them? If they did they didn't say anything at least. They probably don't really care enough anyways so, there is no point in pondering this any further.

I have too many thoughts in my head right now and none of them good.

I got in my car and drove to the tiny apartment I rent on the east side of town. I didn't even tell my parents I was back from tour. I assume they'll figure it out in the morning.

Everything was still in it's place. My boring, fucked up life stuffed into 4 walls in a crappy apartment in Las Vegas. I never kept much at the apartment because we were gone so much just a bed, couch, and a table really. It's lonely. to be honest, which wasn't helping my mindset right now.

I threw my bags onto the floor in my bedroom, why bother unpacking? I thought.

I wanted to just get it over with. They'll find a new bassist and I will finally be happy.