Blink Back To Let Me Know -Brallon-

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

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I finished cleaning up the bathroom and start heading to my bedroom to get dressed. I can hear Brendon on the phone with I can only assume to be Spencer. Clearly at the end of their conversation, I stop quietly to eavesdrop just a bit.

"...Yeah, man. He's been doing alright. Keeping the meds in check and all that, uh I don't really know if he will or not, his choice ya know? Yeah, yeah, I know, it's been a long time; do you guys want to come over tonight? Chill out and order in some food or whatever? Okay, yeah, 7ish? Cool, see you later. Yeah! Bye!"

"So, what did Spencer have to say?" I ask as he sets his phone down. Turning around with a start he grumbles. "Jesus fucking Christ, Weekes! Give a man a damn heart attack why don't you!?"

I laugh as he sits down on his bed. "Sorry dude, I thought you heard me coming down the hall. Anyways, what's up with Spencer? They gonna come over tonight?"

"Yeah, Spence said Kenny will come over a little later, he's visiting with some relatives but, Spencer will be here around 7 or so."

"Was he...uh, did he ask how I was?" there was a little hesitation in my voice. I knew the answer but, I also didn't want to know exactly what was said before I walked in either.

"He asked if you were doing better. We haven't really been keeping them informed of anything since they've been gone the past few weeks and he was just asking how you've been is all." He says this in his calming voice. The voice he uses when he wants everything to be "right" in the world.

"Oh, ok. I just... I'm alright, ya know? Like, no one has to keep an eye on me or be worried or anything, dude. Is it gonna be weird now? I don't want anyone treating me like I am defective or anything. I mean, it's bad enough that Zack wanted to hire an extra body guard but, fuck, Pete wanted us to have a damn Doctor on our next tour!? I mean, he has a lot of fucking nerve given his fucking past, right?!"

These are all things I have been thinking and not saying. This wasn't supposed to come out like this, not in his bedroom, not in casual conversation.

My heart starts beating faster and I am starting to feel sick.

I take a deep breath letting it out as slow as possible. Brendon is just staring at me. I get the feeling he wants to say something but, I don't give him the chance.

"Sorry." I murmur. Not to him but in his general direction. I turn my head and just face the wall. I shouldn't get so upset that people want to make me feel safe in my own skin. I just don't like being the center of attention.

"Hey. Dall, it's fine. No one is trying to make you feel like you can't be trusted or anything. We just want you to feel safe. You can come to us any time. You know that! Spencer wanted to talk with you later... Like one on one. I don't know what about. He was asking if I thought you would be up for it. He sounded a little "mom-ish." He laughs "So, I told him it would probably be alright... Uh, is that okay?"

He's looking for validation that I can't really give him but, I can fake it.

"Yeah, it's fine. As long as he doesn't plan on getting mushy and shit. Fuck, do you remember the speech he gave halfway through the tour about how much he loved everyone and that he was so happy we were all in his lives and shit? We all thought he was wasted and he was just actually really super emo?!" We both laugh and Brendon is now laughing so hard he falls backward onto the bed. Face buried in his pillow.

"Oh god, that was great!" he says, wiping tears from his eyes. "I'll talk to him when he gets here to see what he wants, Momma Smith can chill out if that's where he was intending on going."

"Thank you. I don't think I could handle that shit today. Uh, by the way, I forgot to take my meds, could you go get them for me? Please?" I give him the saddest little puppy dog eyes and he gets up off the bed.

"Those eyes won't work on me forever, dude.... But, right now they do, so... I'll be right back" he smirks at me and runs down the stairs to the kitchen flying back through the doorway about 2 minutes later.

"Here babe, I got you some OJ too!" he says with a smile and hands me a small glass of juice and two pills. A small round Yellow pill and a capsule shaped peach colored pill. I stare at them in my hand and hesitate for a minute.

"What's the matter?" he says.

"Nothing. I just hate taking them. I feel like a failure when I take them. Like, why I can't be normal, you know?" I know I am frowning but, it's helping my case.

At least I thought it was.

"I know but, you have to take them. You have to get your moods regulated again, Dallon. The last meds weren't working; you have to at least try these. So, come on, down they go!" he laughs and takes the pills from my hands and places them in my mouth, holding the glass to my lips until I wash them down.

"They make me tired, dude. I feel less creative and shit. I don't like that!" I pout.

"You promised your therapist you would stick this out for 6 weeks. It's only been 3, babe. If it's still not helping then we can move onto something different but, I just don't want a repeat of what happened before. Okay? I love you too much and I can't lose you so, just please try? For me, for you?" His voice is so sincere and I think he is starting to tear up.

I pull him close to me. I don't like him upset over me, I am not worth it.

"I know B, it's just exhausting. This is the 27th med they have tried. Why can't they just invent something new already?"

"I wish they would dude, I wish they would. But, until then, we try anything they can think of, for as long as you are willing. She said there was always ECT too."

"Oh HELL NO!" I say with a flourish, "Have you seen the research on that? Induced seizure with a possibility of memory loss?! Nope!! Not happening!" I cross my arms over my chest in true temper tantrum form.

He laughs at me and kisses my forehead gently, "Duh, I know, dude! That's why you try these, okay? Now, let's go get ready for Spencer and Kenny!"

He scoops me up off the bed and almost drops me to the floor. I gather my bearings and manage to get onto my feet before I land with a thud on the hardwood. He kisses my cheek and brushes the side of my face with the tip of his nose.

He just stares at me and laughs, taking my hand and leading me downstairs to the living room to straighten up a bit before the boys arrive.

I just want to feel normal. Is that really too much to ask?