Blink Back To Let Me Know -Brallon-

Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Summary:

Things are going well but, Dallons anxiety gets the best of him as they are getting ready to see Spencer and Kenny for the first time in a long time. He starts to think the worst and Brendon is there to help him out...

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We're straightening the house up; sharing silly grins and looks from across the room. We're acting like his phone call with Spencer never happened but, it did and I want to know exactly what was said and in what context. How many more phone calls has there been? Does he talk to him a lot? It's starting to really irritate me to the point that I am now completely occupied with this thought, and I can't let it go.

"Fucking hell, why the fuck did I walk in on that conversation? Why?! "I think.

I am starting to fucking lose my mind with these thoughts.

It's getting close to time for Spence's arrival but, there is a weird mix of anxiety and apprehension in me that is throwing my insides into a twist. Brendon is off clearing the kitchen counters, humming a song to himself that I can't quite place but it sounds oddly familiar. I decide I need to get some air before I suffocate. I slide open the patio door to the backyard, stepping out onto the warm concrete, closing the door behind me.

The mix of slight heat and summer air is surrounding me and I start to breathe in deeply and slowly, trying desperately to coerce my brain and body to calm the fuck down.

I always think the worst. For some reason that I can't willingly control, that is my go to when things get slightly shitty. My therapist calls it "Catastrophic Thinking" or some shit. I call it being defensive, whatever; I really don't want to ruin tonight though. I just want to stop thinking that something is fucking wrong with the band. Or is it that it's me being in the band that is wrong?

I pace the sidewalk that leads to our side gate and back again, my mind is racing at these thoughts, I have to calm down before they get here. I begin to feel dizzy so I sit down on the step and place my head in my hands. Closing my eyes and breathing in just as slowly and deeply as before. I have to show them that I am stable enough for this. I want to be in the band, I want to make music with my best friends. Fuck what everyone else is going to think! I know that eventually this is going to be leaked. It's inevitable but, I need to have the control over this situation.

I am breathing. I am okay I tell myself. You can do this Weekes; you've gone through worse, just listen to what they have to say.

I just start to raise my head when I hear the door slide open behind me. I sit straight up and try to pretend that I am indeed not having an existential crisis on our back porch.

"Hey, what are you doing out here?" He speaks to me as if he is trying not to disturb what I am doing but, there is an uncertainty in his voice.

"Oh, uh, I just needed some air is all? "It sounded more like a question and it was a little snarky for my usual self.

He sits down next to me, cautiously, as if he may trigger an impending explosion.

"I see. So, what's the matter?" he says, cocking his head to look me in the eyes.

"Nothing... I mean well, I just got a bit anxious I guess, I mean it's me we're talking about so, that's nothing new, right?" the venom in those words wasn't exactly meant to be there but, I can't take it back so, I go with it.

"I will always just be the broken one, right? The fragile fucking Dallon Weekes, hmm?" my words are getting louder and more pointed, "Why the fuck do I feel like I fucked everything up, B?"