Blink Back To Let Me Know -Brallon-

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Summary:

This is an emotional chapter. Stick with me, loves...

"I can do this right? ... I owe him that much"

We're lying in bed under sheets.

We're exhausted.

We're in love.

He is breathing softly and falling asleep with his head on my shoulder, his hand in mine curled next to me like he has no cares in the world.

I keep thinking about what he told me.

Purpose? What purpose do I have? I have hurt him beyond words in the few years we have known each other and I feel guilty about every bit of it. I can't let things go even if I wanted to.

How could he love me? What do I have to offer him?

So, is this what love feels like?

Because I feel like I have our tour bus parked on my chest and suddenly the air feels thick, it is way too hot in this bed. I sit up quickly, my heart is racing and I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin. I stand up and make my way down the stairs almost desperate to find distance between me and those sheets, that room, that bed. Every breath feels like it is going to be my last. I lean against the couch trying to balance myself but my legs are too weak to hold my shaking body as I crumple into a rag-doll like mass onto the hardwood. My face feels icy against the burning tears that are beginning to stream down.

I fade out of reality.

I don't know how long I have been there but, it seems like hours when I faintly hear Brendon running down the stairs. He stops and falls to his knees beside me.

"Dall, babe, what's the matter? What's going on?" he is worried, his voice is a little too high pitched, slightly broken.

"Dallon!" he is directing my face with his hands, "Look at me, Dallon. Breathe!"

I see his familiar shape. My vision is hazy and I can't quite make out what he is saying although it seems frantic. All I can focus on is my heartbeat racing in my ears, it's loud and it's fast like a broken metronome.

"Baby, look at me!" he is almost yelling at me as I lock eyes with him.

"Hey... there you are! Hey, baby, what's the matter? What happened?" his voice is much softer now, as if he is talking with a child.

"It's going to be okay, Dall, I'm here... I'm here." I am slowly starting to return to him and I notice how his eyes have this sadness to them.

I did that to him, me. I made him upset and I start to feel sick.

"Talk to me babe, take a deep breath. Tell me what happened."

"I wish I knew.", is all I manage to whisper.

He is so close to me.

Holding me in his lap, our chests pressed together, my head on his shoulder, and all he says is "Shhh, Dall, shhh... It's alright. We'll get through this."

Somehow I believe him. He makes me feel like I am not broken, like I matter. This is a feeling I have never had in my entire life and it's so foreign to me but, I am starting to get used to it.

I am feeling brave for a moment so I sit up in his lap and look him in the eyes.

"I just felt really overwhelmed. I guess it was a panic attack? I don't really know. It snuck up on me... I just... I ... Brendon, what the hell is wrong with me?! Why do I feel so shitty all the time?! Why do you stay with me? How could you love..."

"Dallon, stop!" he says it so firmly that I almost jump and he places his index finger over my lips. I sniffle and he wipes a forming tear from my eye.

"I won't let you do this to yourself. I love you, all of you. I will help you whenever, however I can. I am in this with you, got it? I stay with you because you are MY reason to get up in the morning, Dallon. You are my world. I know that that feels like a lot of pressure but, I hope that with time, you come to see how much you mean to me; to the rest of the world. I want to grow old with you, get married, have kids, and watch every sunrise and sunset that the earth allows us. So, stop second guessing my best friend. Every bad dream, every tear, every panicked moment, I will be here for all of it. You are worth it, Dallon. You're my...my everything."

He can barely speak now as he is quietly sobbing into my neck. I am curled into him and I just can't seem to get close enough.

His heart is beating so fast, my doing, I did this.

"I love you so much, Bren. I am so sorry. I am so sorry I am like this."

"Shhh, Dall. Shhh. Do you want to go to bed or do you want to sleep down here?"

"Here. Let's sleep here, Bren." I pout sticking my bottom lip out.

He laughs as he flicks his finger on my lip. It makes me smile and he says "There's my boy! I love your smile, Babe."

He picks me up off the floor and we climb onto the couch. Brendon lays behind me, curling his arm around my waist and pulling me close to him.

"Dall, it's going to be alright." he whispers into my neck, kissing me softly, "I promise you, you'll be okay, sweet dreams, love."

"Love you, B." I start to drift off to sleep as I hear Brendon's breathing start to slow and he lets out a content sigh as he relaxes his grip on me, just slightly.

I can do this... right? I can try at least, I owe him that much.