Blink Back To Let Me Know -Brallon-

Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Summary:

Will Brendon understand what Dallon needs him to do to help him through his anxiety?

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"I need you to hurt me, Brendon." I tell him. His eyes are wide and his face scrunched into a confused scowl. "Uh, maybe I should explain?"

"That might be a good starting spot, yes." He says with borderline sarcasm. He pulls his fingers through his hair and sits down silently on the end of our bed. I sit down next to him and pull his hands into mine. If we're going to do this, and I think I really need for him to, he needs to know I am sincere and not completely out of my damn mind.

"When I am anxious; having these goddamn panic attacks, I used to get out of my head, uh... try to force myself to be in some other state of mind, by cutting. I know it sounds kind of backwards but, follow me on this, okay?" I look at him and he nods.

Whether it is in disbelief or curiosity, I don't even care right now. At least he isn't calling my therapist.

"When I couldn't do that tonight, it was killing me. I made a promise not to and there is no way I would ever let you down. Kenny came in and started trying to get me to breathe by following his physical cue. I've seen it online before in some coping skill forum or something; you have someone cue you to breathe in a certain pattern by taping or squeezing an arm or leg."

I look at him and he is still staring at me. I don't know if this is working or not.

"So, okay, that makes sense. Someone is basically setting a pattern for you to breathe to so it takes the stress of that off of the person who is anxious?" he says inquisitively.

"Yes. Yes, pretty much. It really helped, to be honest, it was helping me to chill out except, I uh... I need it to be a little more than that, I think. I need it to get me out of my head a little more than just the breathing. I have to jump start myself back into my head and I need to figure something out as an alternative. The stupid meditation and the yoga and all that new age bullshit; just doesn't help, Bren. I need to hurt and if I do it myself, I might go too far." I turn my head away from him, "Look, I know it's a lot to ask for, I just-"he interrupts me, "No, Dall, I get it. Yes, I can do that. I'll do that for you. We just need to set up some ground rules, okay?" he says earnestly.

"Really?" my surprise is genuine; I know how he feels about my self-harm and how I used to cope in the past.

"Yes. I will. But, like, I am not willing to wound you or willing to scar you permanently or anything like that. I also will not do it unless you ask me or we have some sort of word or signal. I am not going to be the one that makes that decision. Got it?" he says sternly.

"Of course, of course thank you, B. I just, I don't know if this will work but, I think it might help. I don't want to be this drugged out person anymore. I want to try this. I read that the endorphins associated with pain can work better than drugs in general. "

"I've seen things about that too. We can try it but, if in any way it fails, we're done. Okay? I don't want this to get out of control. Can you promise me that?" he takes my hand and brings it too his chest, right above his heart. "Promise, Dall."

"Bren, I promise you that if it doesn't work, you'll know. Shit, you'll probably know before me." I say with a laugh.

"Well, yea I suppose I would. Okay, alright but, only because I love you."

"I love you too, Brendon, so much." I tell him as I kiss his soft lips. I trust this man with my life, I trust him to stop if anything goes too far. He knows me better than I know myself at this point so, this can't be so bad, right?

"I think we need to go over ground rules now, Dall. Because I know that with all the studio shit coming up that you'll want to do this sooner rather than later and I do not want to be trying to figure out this shit on the fly. So, can we just do this now?" he says this in a tone that is mostly worry and edging on frantic. But, I get it.

"OK. Um, can we, can I show you what I mean and we can talk about it while we're doing it? It might be easier." I confess.

"Sure. Yea, because I have no idea what I am doing." He says a little unsure.

I grab his hand and pull his fingers up to the soft spot under my left arm. "Pinch." I tell him, "Pinch hard." He hesitates then squeezes the skin under my arm. Not enough to hurt but, I can feel it.

"Just like that Bren but, you have to do it harder, please?" I say, looking him in the eyes. "Can take it, I promise." So he does, he pinches hard into my skin and it hurts like hell but, it's also that rush of endorphins that I need to feel alive again.

"Fuck, Bren. Yes, just like that. Again, please?"

"I don't know, Dall. I-"

"Bren, fuck, please?" I plead with him and move his hand down to the soft spot above my hip. "Squeeze, here Brendon. Do it now."

He obliges and when he squeezes, it feels like a knife in my side. I open my eyes and realize he's using his nails, it's more than I expected but, the fact that I am almost floating on adrenaline and endorphins alone, is enough to convince me that this is going to work. He releases his grip I fall back onto the bed, eyes shut.

"Fuck, Dall are you okay?" I hear him say almost panicking as he shakes me by my shoulders. I open my eyes as much as I can and look at him, "That is perfect, Bren."

He laughs as he lets out a deep breath and says "You look high, Dallon. How do you feel?" I pull him down and kiss him, hard.

"That good? Jeez!" he giggles.

"Honestly? I feel like I am my old self again right now. I swear, I think this is going to work. Kenny is a fucking genius." I tell him.

"Whoa, let's not go that far!" he laughs and then kisses me on the forehead. "I would only do this for you, you know that right?" his words are soft as if he is unsure. "I just don't want this to get out of hand, okay? I won't lie to you, this scares me a little, babe. What if eventually the pinching isn't enough? What if you want me to hurt you in a way that I just can't? I'm just not sure about all this but, we'll try it, Okay?"

"B, it's not going to. It's going to be alright. I think it's a temporary thing but, I need to have this right now. It's not going to harm anything and no one will notice. I just need to find another outlet and right now, it's this. If you ever get uncomfortable, we'll stop and I will try something else or go back to the meds or whatever. Is that a deal?" My eyes meet his as I ask him and he nods.

I want him to be comfortable with this. It's not going to be easy but, I need him to be on board just for a little bit I really need him to want to help me with this.

"OK, Dall. We'll just take it step by step. Let's get some sleep. We've got a lot of things to do tomorrow. Are you sure you are okay?"

"Stop worrying, B! Everything will be fine. I promise. Yes, let's get some sleep but first, come here so I can kiss you." I let out a small sigh and he kisses me with the softest lips ever. He is crazy for staying with me for so long but, I am so glad he is here.

"Mmmmhmmm, my favorite way to fall asleep, with you in my arms." He smiles as we pull the covers over us and he lies behind me with his arm draped over my hip and waist.

Tomorrow won't be so bad, right?