Everything Has Changed: The Lost Years

Chapter 13: Bold

Quasi didn't know how long he laid there, staring in the darkness, his head reeling with thoughts about what he'd done. What Maddy had done. She'd kissed him. Twice! And he'd loved it. He wanted it. It made him feel so guilty and excited and terrified and hopeful. How was he supposed to face her after this when all he could think about was her lips on his?

One moment he closed his eyes, the next they were open again and he was staring at the ceiling, the sunlight streaming in through the window. He didn't feel any more rested. In fact he had a headache. And his mind was still full of doubts and excitement. There didn't seem to be an end to the spiral of anxiety that he was feeling as a result of the kiss.

There was a tap at the door, and Barbara peered in. "How are you feeling, sweetie? Did you drink much at the party? I can get some panadol if you're hungover."

Quasi rubbed his eyes, letting out a breath. "I f-feel... mostly OK... but that would be nice, thank you."

"Alright. Breakfast will be ready soon. You can tell us all about it and then we'll head to the clinic, okay?"

The clinic. Right. He had therapy today. Maybe it would be helpful to get his thoughts out to a professional.

Paul and Barbara were encouraging when he told them most of what happened at the party. He had no reason to leave anything out, but the kisses felt too special to share yet. They were proud of him for not overdoing it and managing to enjoy himself, and they agreed that he could increase his curfew if he wanted. Honestly, he didn't know if he'd want to stay later at a party. It was overwhelming enough as it was.

Barbara took him to therapy after breakfast and he had an opportunity to get his thoughts out, which he took advantage of now.

"So, you like this girl. She likes you back. I'm not seeing the problem yet," the doctor said after he had explained the situation. "I wouldn't usually recommend a relationship for anyone in the first year of healing, but you're a teenage boy, Quasimodo. You should be enjoying yourself doing teenage boy things. And that includes girls."

"I just don't know if I should," he murmured, fidgeting with his hoodie strings nervously. "I always thought... I wasn't s-supposed to get too close to anyone. I never th-thought anyone would like me- most p-people don't. Then it happened once and I th-thought, wow, this is s-special. This will never happen again. And now it's over and I s-still... I still miss her, but she's gone, and now... Maddy is s-so nice to me, and I like her a lot, but..."

"Do you feel like you're betraying your last girlfriend by wanting to be with Maddy?"

He shrugged, ducking his head. "Y-yeah. S-sort of. But I know... I know that's silly. Mich was... so supportive. Sh-she would want me to move on."

"Do you feel like you shouldn't pursue her because you were taught that no one would want you that way?"

He was quieter for longer, but nodded. "Th-that's... part of it."

"I know you know that's not true, don't you? By your own admission, she likes you back."

"It's just... hard to believe." Quasi stared at the carpet under his feet, not wanting to meet her eyes. "And... it f-feels different this time. I don't... know what to expect. I d-don't know what I'm feeling. I d-don't know what's going to happen. I'm... scared, I guess... it feels safer just to.... not do anything."

The doctor was quiet, and when he finally looked up, she was gazing at him over her glasses, a thoughtful look on her face. "Now we get to the bottom of it," she said finally, giving him a smile. "Safety. You'd prefer the safety of staying by yourself, not rocking the boat, getting through the school year without any attention, pining from a distance for a girl rather than seeking her out. Am I right?"