Everything Has Changed: The Lost Years

Chapter 17: High Tide

Quasi was having a lot of very complicated feelings.

He had been avoiding the subject of sex since he had first learned about it, which was quite the feat for a teenage boy. But his father had drummed into him early just how little the subject should have concerned him, how it was disgusting for him to even feel any kind of desire, what an awful person he'd be if he let himself think for one second he deserved be like anyone else. Quasi had been too afraid and too broken to even consider that he might be wrong, and he'd forced himself to never think about it, never need it, never want it. After a while, he hadn't even had to try.

Kissing wasn't something he'd been told to avoid. Kissing felt safe. Kissing still gave him butterflies, and he'd done a lot of it by now. But lately, it had felt... different. There was a hunger behind it when he kissed Maddy. A neediness. A desire that had been starting to peek through the cracks of a very high wall that he'd put up around all the feelings that he'd thought were disgusting. And it terrified him, the thought of tearing down that wall and letting himself really want, really feel, after all this time believing that he couldn't.

He couldn't escape the disgust he felt about himself. It had been beaten into him for long that it was a part of him. He was ugly, no matter what anyone said, no matter how many pretty girls kissed him and told him he was cute, no matter what his therapist said. No one was supposed to want him. He couldn't touch anyone that way- his touch would inspire disgust. And he couldn't let anyone touch him- what if they decided to hurt him? It was too vulnerable, too unpredictable. He didn't know what to expect and it scared him.

And yet. And yet...

Maddy made him want. Maddy, with her easy manner, her teasing and her attention and her smiles and her kisses, she made him feel things he had held back for a very long time. All of the stress and pain and frustration and helplessness he'd lived with was gone now, and there was so much more room for the other feelings. And now Maddy was pushing on the walls he had built up and they were starting to crack.

He'd taken the first step when he'd let her talk him through his first exploration of self-pleasure. He'd fought back the voice in his head telling him 'this is wrong, this is bad, this is disgusting' and it had felt amazing. She'd been proud of him. She'd let him see something private for his enjoyment. He felt like they shared something special now. Something that made him nervous, made him scared that she'd regret it, but it was something that he most definitely wanted to continue.

Seeing her at school on Monday had been embarrassing, because the moment he saw her he had remembered what she looked like in just her lacy bra and he hadn't known where to look. She caught him glancing at her chest a few times and she had smirked and said nothing, and he'd blushed all the way down his neck and tried not to look at her again. Later, she had texted him that if he managed to keep his eyes off her chest at school, she'd send him more pictures.

Since then, he'd been good. And he'd been rewarded for it. She sent him one photo every night, and he... well, he enjoyed looking at it while he pleasured himself. She almost always called him when he did. He liked having her there, even if it was embarrassing that she was listening to him. She seemed to enjoy it, though. She'd fully embraced the slow pace they were taking when it came to intimacy and he was grateful, so if she liked to hear the noises he made when he was trying to be quiet late at night, it was the least he could do for her.

"You s-send me a lot of pictures," he murmured one night, eagerly gazing at the latest photo she'd sent- her towel pulled tight around her chest, her hair slick from the shower, her eyes practically screaming 'come hither'. His pants were already tight, his heart racing excitedly in anticipation, but he was also curious. "Do you... want s-something back?"