To Be Together

Warmth

Darkness.

Cold.

Loneliness. That's what Wanning always thinks when he feels darkness and cold. It's the feeling he gets when he's alone. Sad as it is he's use to that feeling. It's nothing he hasn't felt before and will feel forever.

His lungs burn.

But Wanning is use to pain. It hurts but he'll get use to it. He always does. He has too.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

But that should be expected as he did fall into the lake. At least he thinks it's a lake. He remembers Qing Su talking about the area.

Right. He was captured. Chased the old man to the lake where he then fell in. Mo Ran must have gotten him. He doesn't need to worry about Mo Ran, he doesn't need to worry about any of his disciples, they are smart and will make it through anything. They did for five years. They are stronger and he can see them getting stronger than they already are.

Of course he can't help but worry about them, he cares deeply for them. Especially Mo Ran but he will never say that to them directly. He wouldn't be able to with such a thin face.

Thinking about it he should tell them. Just so they know. There's only so much little hints he can do for them to understand. He's failed them once he should be able to tell them straight about his care for them at least once.

But the one thing he'll take to the grave is his feelings towards Mo Ran, they can die with him. That's fine. Those feeling were inappropriate anyway. Plus Mo Ran can do so much better, he's sure. As any sex Wanning is lackluster in looks and even worse with personality's. Habits are hard to break but he's tried breaking a couple around Qing Su. He'd like to think he's succeeded. To know that he can is such a confidence boost, even if he won't use it at Shisheng peak. It's too late there. Even just saying his name makes people cower in fear.

At this point it's fine. Wanning has long since gotten use to it.

Oh, he's feeling warm, especially around his back. Wanning isn't use to being this warm. It feels like a fire is raging around him.

It feels good.

Good enough that he can finally feel some of his own limbs. His mind still is not there but that's fine. He can feel his heart still beating. Oh, maybe that's how the first victim died. Her heart gave out. In a peaceful city like this it's understandable. She never thought this could happen. Especially with no warning. She must have been so scared. Alone. In an unknown place. With no clue to what is happening. 

Wanning feels his heavy eyelids open. He can't see clearly but he does get glimpses of colors, black, blue, green and an orange light. Maybe a lantern. But it's not very close. Warm, is all he can think. He feels warm. He's never been this warm, except maybe in his dreams. So he moves to get closer to the heat.

"Are you feeling better Wanning?"

Better? Than what? He usually feels cold so this is amazing.

There's a chuckle, then silence. "Why do you have to be so reckless?"

I just do what I need to. Someone needs to step up.

"It doesn't always need to be you. Not all the time."

But... sometimes there's no time to discuss and... no one is going to miss me. It's better a loner who has no one who cares sacrifice themselves rather than someone with loved ones. Wanning feels the warmth tighten around him. He lets out a hum, that feels nice.

"Do you feel lonely?"

Yes, as painful and scary as it is to admit out loud. Not that anyone truly cares. Everyone thinks he thinks he's too good to be around people but he actually wants to be around people. No one wants to be around him. And that's fine, he doesn't want to force people to be around him either. That's worse than being alone.

"You are loved. People do want to be around you."

What a shameless lie. I've never been loved. I wouldn't know what it feels like. He can only hear what it's like from stories. Wanning would rather just step to the side and not be in the way, to not burden anyone. The last thing he wants is to be is a burden. Hate him, curse him, and not care for him, but at least Wanning lifts his own weight. It's hard to believe people want to be around him.

"Do you want to feel what it's like to be loved?"

Rather not... what if he gets attached but it's a lie? Wanning feels to easily, that's a weakness, he knows but there's nothing much he can do about it. Wanning doesn't want to hurt, he doesn't like pain.

"You don't like pain but jump into danger easily just to protect people who don't care. That doesn't make sense."

I don't like pain but I can deal with it. I'm use to it. Emotional pain isn't one of his strong suits. He gets jealous easily. Gets possessive. Gets sad. Hates. Angers easily. He's good at hiding it. But he still feels. He's only human. He's human. Sure people don't believe that most of the time but he is.

"Can't you trust someone else to deal with the pain?"

I don't want someone to get hurt, it's best I get hurt. He's strong he can deal with the pain. He wants to spare others the pain because he knows the pain. He likes helping people. He knows from experience that most people aren't good at asking for it, asking for help so he helps weather they ask or not. He doesn't mind if some get angry because of their pride. He knows they need it. He knows what it's like having a thin face and not able to ask for help. Its fine. Everything will be fine.

"How do you know it'll be fine?"

Cause it always is. Weather I die or live. Weather I'm happy or sad. The world moves on. That's life, but Wanning wants to spend his time helping as many as he can. Wanning laughs a bit. He's not as immortal as people think, or his nickname may suggest.

"How can you say that?"

The warmth gets tighter, crushingly tight. But Wanning still likes it. Even if it feels like he's dying he still wants it. He won't turn down the warmth. Especially since he doesn't know if he'll ever experience it again. He embraces it.