Jonathan Joseph

Chapter 14

Clyde got into the car and took one look at me, he was beyond confused because everything was going well until now. I couldn't look at him and he didn't bother to ask me why I was so upset he just held on to me. That warm feeling that I couldn't shake whenever I was with him still hadn't gone. Maybe Jonathan was right.. Which only made me feel sick to my stomach. I don't know which part that made me feel worse. The fact that I had made a decision not taking his feelings into consideration including the fact that he's been there for me for a while now, or the part where I was blinded sided by whatever is between me and Clyde that I didn't realize that I was betraying Jonathan and he just sat back and watched. Either situation I couldn't stand I think this choice believe it or not will solve everything. Clyde and Regina will not have to worry about me getting hurt my death would be painful for them but they'd be free from me and my problems. Then This could be a second chance for Jonathan and I we could start all over... It might be a little selfish but in the end it'll be okay for everyone..

-

we neared our destination after a very long and quiet drive, I could not believe it but there we sat in front of the house I grew up in. Anxiety ran through me practically making every bone in my body ache when I looked down the street at Jonathan's house. I had no idea how much being back at this place would affect me and I didn't have time to mentally prepare for this moment.

"Are you ready?" Clyde's voice echoed in my head.

Every direction I looked I got a sudden flash back of my previous life. My head was spinning looking at every single house, every corner, every stop sign, this neighborhood was over loaded with memories. "Ohmygod." Suddenly, I couldn't breath and everything was caving in on me. I was hyperventilating and the tears welled up in my eyes I finally looked over at Clyde searching his eyes for help.

"It's okay just breathe." He instructed me breathing in and out slowly telling me to calm down. I hate to admit his soothing tone and light touch he place on my hand actually helped. Once I was in control I took once last deep breath and got out the car taking in my surroundings a little bit easier.

I looked up at the house again immediately visioning Jonathan running out the door and me running after him. I knew exactly what that event was leading to. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and when I opened them again nothing was there but Clyde and the front yard. "Maybe this was a bad idea." He said.

I sighed. "No we didn't just drive all the way here for nothing." I mumbled slowly making my way towards the steps. It felt like I was walking down the path forever until I was finally faced with this familiar red door. Clyde looked at me waiting for me to knock but I couldn't instead I gestured him to do so and he did. I squeezed my eyes closed and somewhere in between I grabbed his hand holding on even tighter. I felt nauseous at the sound of the locks on the doors clicking and the creaking of the door as it opened. I opened my eyes and my knees buckled for a second I forgot how to breathe as this woman stood before me. My mothers red hair and tight curls remained exact since the day I left her soft skin and blue eyes hadn't changed one bit she even still had that crinkle in her nose when she scrunched up her face realizing it was her daughter.

"Oh my god Chelsea." She weeped.
She pulled me in her thin arms and the cinnamon scent that I had try to pull off in my house didn't compare to the natural scent she already had on her. "Hi mother." I mumbled into her shoulder.

-

I was surprised she redecorated the whole house. I remember walking in and seeing pictures of her and dad hung up on the hallway towards the living room - those were gone. The living rooms tan leather couches were now burgundy leather the glass table that held a vase of flowers dad bought almost every week were gone and it was just a black wooden lifeless addition added in there. The flat screen tv finally was hung up on the wall mom always wanted it that way but dad didn't cause he was nervous it would fall on me as a kid. In the next room was the kitchen and looked like a fortune to have done over the counter tops that used to be black were now black and white marble and the floors yellow tiles were now white the old gas stove was now one of those upgraded stove tops all black with the white lines of the pots size. the next room over was moms nothing changed in there expect her sheets and the frames of dad were gone but the pictures of me remained. I looked at her and half smiled. "Would you like to see your room?" She grinned.

I almost forgot I even had one here. I walked upstairs and down the hall to my bedroom and everything was exactly how I left it my bed, the posters of my favorite singers and actors remained covering the walls my desktop and the notes. I sat down in my old chair and picked up the stack of notes that Jonathan would write. A tear ran down my face filling my body with sadness and regret. I didn't think you could miss someone so much - his hand writing his little jokes and pictures everything was on this desktop. I could only imagine what's saved on my laptop. "After all these years you're the first person that's moved anything." Mom said breaking the moment of silence.
I swallowed hard so sad that I left her. "So you haven't came in her not once?"

"Oh. Yes, everyday I'd come in here and sit right there." She pointed at the bed. "I knew how much you didn't like when I came in here and organized cause you could never find anything after so.."

I grinned then a vibration in the draw caught my attention I opened and and there was my old phone flashing it's dead battery sign I pulled it out and connected it to the wire that was hanging from the computer. I looked around the rest of the room forgetting why I even left I've never felt this way in a long time I've completely disconnected myself from everything and missed out on so much. I looked back at my mothers red eyes and felt sick.

"We should really talk." I said

She nodded. "Should I call.. Him?" She cleared her throat.

-

"I haven't really gotten a hold of him since.." Her voice trailed off as she sat down across from Clyde an I . In the back of my head I didn't think she divorced him if that's what she was going to say frankly because besides the good moments we had together Id always remember arguing between them and her apologizing even if it wasn't her fault. "So.." She noticed my eyes staring at her finger the question that was on the tip of my tongue but didn't come out.

"Maybe a year after you left was when I finally decided I'd leave him." She rubbed her finger were her wedding ring used to be. I didn't know what would be the right thing to say because for years and even now siting in front of her I've always felt like everything was my fault. I looked at Clyde he nodded his head reassuring me that it'd be okay. I thought if I'm really going to go through with my plan I might as well stop keeping things bottled up inside me and tell the truth. "For a long time." I started as my palms began to sweat. "For a long time I thought that everything was my fault.. I thought when dad left it was because of me. Maybe if I would have been home that day none of it would've never happened and maybe neither of you would have kept that lie from me."

"It wasn't a lie Chelsea."

"Yes it was." I almost shouted.

"I hope you didn't come to argue." She said.

I sighed.

"Chelsea, I don't know why you put this on yourself. This happened almost three years ago I've apologized so many times. Will I ever forgive myself for not telling you what happened beforehand? No, but I'm accepting my mistakes and learning from them. You can't be angry your whole life, you can't live with all that weight on your shoulders you still have a chance and You still have a choice in this world, to live or just... Exist." She grabbed my hand. "You're my daughter I love you and no matter how much you swear you'll never forgive me I'm still glad that I'm finally getting to see you again."

It was a lot to sink in. She was right moms are always right, I was so angry and hurt for a long time at some point I'd have to stop holding it in and get back to my life. I've made plenty of mistakes huge ones too. If Clyde, Camille and my mother can move forward I don't know why I made it so hard on myself not to. "What do you say? Can I just be a mom again?" She asked. My heart sank at the question "You always were." I hugged her once more taking in this moment one of the moments I should've had a long time ago..

"As a mom Chelsea, I really think you should see your father too.."

I could have just left it at that but I know she wouldn't have said it if she thought it was a bad idea. I thought about it and figured I'd do so tomorrow morning. she didn't think I'd be necessary if we left and came all the way back and said Clyde and I were welcome to stay until then. I was more than happy to. I mean, what's better than finally getting to be back home?