The Great Pretender's Obsession

Chapter 17

Sa kalagitnaan ng paglilinis sa kalat na gawa ni Kavius ay may yumapos sa 'kin galing sa likuran. I felt the hotness of his naked body behind me. Napatigil ako at hinayaan muna siya.

Sumikdo ang puso ko nang magsalita ito gamit ang naginginig na boses. Para bang takot na takot.

"Don't leave me. Please... don't. Huwag mo akong iwan. Sorry. S-sorry na. Please. I beg you. Don't... don't leave me. Hindi ko na uulitin. Please. Dito ka lang. Huwag ka na... umalis..."

His knees weakened. He knelt down the floor and hugged my knees. He's crying uncontrollably. Kavius' grip on me tightened as he keeps saying those words. This man holds my heart and it is aching for him. Looking at him begging makes me want to hug him and comfort him.

"Hindi na ako uulit. H-hindi na po... dito ka lang. Please, dito ka lang. Huwag mo akong iiwan. Dito ka lang."

"Kavius, let go of me. Hindi ako makagalaw. Kumalma ka muna."

Pilit kong hinihila ang kaniyang kamay ngunit ayaw nitong bumitaw. He didn't say anything and stayed that way for a couple of seconds. All I could hear is his sobs. Basang-basa na rin ang suot kong pantulog.

"Paano tayo mag-uusap ng maayos kung ganito ka? And look at this mess." I held his hands again but to no avail. "Kailangan ko pang tapusin ang paglilinis dito. Let me go."

"No. No... no. Don't leave me."

"Mag-uusap tayo ng matino, okay? You have to free me from your grip!" giit ko.

Iling lang tanging sagot niya. He looked terrified.

"I am not going anywhere unless we talk, do you understand? Hindi kita iiwan dito. Bitiwan mo muna ako. Hindi kita iiwan. Dito lang ako. Mag-uusap tayo," mahinahong sabi ko.

"I can't. I don't want to. You'll run away from me again. I can't... let you go. I love you. Please. Wife. Please. I'm hurting. Don't."

He can't seem to even finish a sentence. Para itong nalilito at tuliro sa kung ano ang dapat sabihin. His tears was never ending. One after another. His eyes were sad and longing, gone the cold stare. And his grip on me remained tight.

"Hindi kita tatakbuhan. I'm your wife. Don't you trust me?"

"I do! Damn it, I do! I'm scared... once I let go of you, I'll never see you again! I am hurting! Day by day... that you're not here, you're not sleeping next to me. It was just a short time... but for me it felt like it has been too long! And I don't want that! I even thought I am dreaming today! I always see you here. I am hallucinating. I don't want you to leave me. Don't. Stop it. Don't leave me. Stop making me crazy."

"We'll talk. Hold my hand and we'll talk. Hindi kita iiwan dito. I'll stay, okay? Bitiwan mo na ako, Kavius."

Slowly, he reached for my hand. Tightly. I smiled, reassuring him that I am not going anywhere. Nonstop ang daloy ng kaniyang luha. Pulang-pula na nga ang kaniyang mga mata at ilong, ang kaniyang labi naman ay namumuti. Inayos ko ang kaniyang magulong buhok gamit ang kabilang kamay. I tiptoed to reach his hair. Pinalis ko rin ang luha sa kaniyang mga mata gamit ang aking kamay.

"Where do you want to talk? Verandah? Or you want it here?" I asked, pertaining to the living room.

"Bed. I'm tired."

"Tulog ka muna."

Dalawang beses siyang umiling. Naglalaro ang kaniyang mga mata sa aking mukha na para bang sinasaulo niya ang bawat anggulo.

"You're tired, we can talk later. Don't worry, I'll still be here."

I guided him towards the bed where he reluctantly moved. Mahigpit niyang hawak ang aking kamay. I made him sat on the bed.

"You need some sleep so that your brain can function better if we talk. I am not going to leave. Ako ang una mong makikita mamaya."

He didn't utter anything. Mula sa pagkakaupo ay humiga siya. At dahil hawak niya ang kamay ko, napasama ako sa pagbagsak. Bumagsak ako sa tabi niya, kalahati ng aking katawan ay nakadantay sa kaniya. Before I could say anything, he expertly lifted me and made me lay in the bed. Ngayon ay magkapalit na kami ng pwesto. Ang kaniyang ulo ay nasa leeg ko at inaamoy iyon, mahigpit namang nakapulupot sa akin ang kaniyang braso at nakadantay ang kaniyang paa sa aking tuhod.

Hindi rin umabot ng ilang minuto nang maramdaman ko ang kaniyang malalalim na paghinga. Hinayaan ko muna siyang gano'n ng ilang minuto. Nang gumalaw ako ay agad siyang nagmulat ng mga mata at mukhang paiyak na naman.

"Shh. Hindi ako aalis, dito lang ako."

I brushed his hair to make him sleep deeply. At nang malalim na ulit ang tulog nito ay tinext ko si Papa na dito na ako matutulog. He said he'll be back tomorrow to check on me. I suggested it would be better in the afternoon because Kavius and I will be having a discussion first thing in the morning. Sinabi ko nga na dito na matulog pero umayaw. Papa never left Mama alone in their bed. They like sleeping next to each other. Always.

I hummed a song to help myself to sleep. Sleeping in this bed again is way very comfortable than sleeping in the attic back in our house. Soon after, I drifted off to sleep hugging my best pillow, my husband.

We always do mistakes. Now that I've found an opening to Kavius's, I realized he wasn't a total green flag at all. He has a lot of flaws too. He's being a perfect husband to me but he is carrying a lot of flaws too. Which I will gladly accept. I want him to be more open to me. Things that we have never done before.

Damn. Reality hits too. It was all about me. The deep talks. I have never asked my husband about how he is doing or some sort of history in his life. Maybe because I'm afraid I'll trigger his trauma. Gusto ko ring malaman kung saan at paano siya pumasok sa school, kung sino-sino ang mga kaibigan niya, at kung na-enjoy niya ba ang kabataan niya habang wala ako rito. I want to know a lot of things about him.

I woke up feeling dizzy the next day.

Gising na gising na si Kavius sa tabi ko nang magmulat ako ng mata. Nakatitig sa akin ngunit blangko naman ang ekspresyon. When I feel like something is about to come out of me, I hurriedly rushed to the bathroom and puke. Kavius's hand reached for my hair while the other is caressing my back. Suka ako ng suka pero walang lumalabas. Nagmumog lang ako pagkatapos at naghilamos. Umiikot pa rin ang paningin ko kaya bumalik ako sa kama. Nakasunod pa rin si Kavius sa akin at nang humiga ako ay ganoon rin ang ginawa niya.

"You okay? Should we call a doctor?" he whispered.

"I'm feeling dizzy."

"Are you sick? I'll call a doctor."

"Oh, stop it. Kulang lang ako sa tulog, late na ako nakatulog kagabi. Give me a few more hours, babawi lang."

"Of course... okay. I'll stay here."

"Bahala ka," sagot ko na lamang.

I want to eat pickles with hot sauce.

*****