Changing Seasons

Sixty

****

"Girl, you need to come get your man," Cami had told Atira when she answered the phone.

Atira's stomach dropped, "Is everything okay?"

Cami laughed dryly, "I mean, yeah, but I got home from work just now, and these three are drunk as skunks...and Krist...you'll just see when you get here."

Atira opened a can of wet food for Jacques, gave him a pat on the head, and rushed out. Her mind was racing. She wasn't sure what to expect when she arrived at Jeordie and Cami's.

What she walked into was not it, though. Despite the cold temperatures, Krist sat shirtless on the porch, smoking a joint with Fernando. His chest and entire throat had been tattooed in loopy cursive script. The name Rocco was clear, but she could not distinguish what his throat read in the dark.

"What do you think?" Fernando asked with a gold-toothed grin.

Krist tilted his head back so she could make out the entire tattoo. It was her name. Oh. My. Freaking. God.

Atira was speechless.

"Looks hella tight, huh, baby?" He asked and pulled her close.

Atira nodded, "He did a nice job," was all she could muster. "I'm going to go inside and talk to Cami for a minute."

Cami was eager to talk to her, "Did you know he was going to do that?" She asked Atira, eyes wide.

"No! What the actual fuck?" Atira whispered, feeling very overwhelmed by the permanency and visibility of her name. "He just told me he was getting Rocco's name."

"Honey, don't get me wrong, he's one of my best friends, and I love him to pieces, but goddamn does he get stupid over girlfriends," Cami patted her arm, "No offense, I don't mean anything against you. He just rushes into things. Did he tell you he moved in with Lainey the weekend they met?"

Atira's eyes widened, "No!"

"Yes!"

"Don't tell him I told you, but the night he got stabbed, before he went to work, he asked me to take my birth control out."

Cami pressed her palm to her forehead, "Oh my god, Krist, what the fuck?" She wondered out loud. She looked at Atira, "How do you feel about that?"

"I love him, but...it feels fast and almost too much, ya know?"

"Have you talked to him about taking it slow?"

Atira hesitated, "Sort of...No. Not really." She admitted. "I don't want to hurt his feelings."

"Girl, if you are uncomfortable, you need to speak up. You can't just let him rush you and your relationship because you're afraid of his feelings. What about your feelings?" Cami asked bluntly.

Atira nodded, feeling as though she had betrayed Krist by airing out those feelings, but Cami was right.

****

"Baby, you ain't mad I did this, are you?" Krist asked, standing in front of the bathroom mirror naked the following morning.

Atira wrapped a towel around her midsection, studying his reflection. "No, Krist," She lied.

He embraced her, "I love you so much, you know that?"

"I do, Krist. I love you too."

His guilt about the coke had been eating him up all night. They went to the bedroom to dress. Krist watched Atira, taking all of her in as though it may be the last time.

"I did something fucking stupid last night," he stated.

Atira sat down on the bed, watching him with unease. She wanted to ask him if it was more stupid than the throat tattoo but had too much tact. "It can't be that bad, can it?" She asked softly, trying to remain optimistic. What she knew about Krist from other people could only be one of two things. Drugs or sex.

He let out a slow, shaky breath, "I got hella drunk and did coke with Fernando," he blurted out.

Atira swallowed hard, processing what he'd just dumped on her. "Coke? As in cocaine?" Krist nodded, diverting his eyes to the floor. She'd suspected something when they'd gotten home the night before; his pupils looked like dinner plates, but she hesitated to bring it up. And now that she knew, she wished he hadn't told her. Ignorance was bliss, and now that he'd laid out the fact he was using drugs again, or maybe still, she couldn't pretend their relationship was some perfect teenage romance come true.

Tears welled in her eyes, "Krist, you told me you were clean."

"Baby, I am clean. I haven't used dope in over four years! It was just coke, and it was only a rail," he insisted as though it was somehow better.

Atira didn't know much about drugs in general, to her coke was right up there with meth. Krist was a self-admitted addict, which made it all the worse.

"Krist, I..." She tried to search for words she didn't even have, her voice cracking. She looked at him, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "You talk about wanting kids and a life with me, yet you're doing things that don't prove to me it's a good idea. You just asked me two weeks ago to take my birth control out. You want me to move in with you. But you're getting high with your drug buddy again?"

Atira's words cut through him like a blade, tears streamed down his face, "As soon as I did it, I knew I fucked up. Like it wasn't even fun to me."

"So why did you do it then?"

"Because I was drunk, and Fernando offered. I was just trying to sober up," he tried to explain. It wasn't a good excuse, and it didn't make what he did alright, but it was the truth.

"Do you realize how stupid that sounds?" She asked him.

"Yeah, I do. It's the truth, though. Ask anyone."

Atira rose to her feet, moved to the closet, and removed her duffel bag. She didn't want to leave, but she also understood that staying and acting like it wasn't a big deal would not change anything.

Krist could feel himself spiraling, "So...are we...Are we over?" He asked, desperation crept into his voice.

Atira began to pack up her things, "Krist, I don't know. I need time to think, and I think we need time to reevaluate everything."

Krist sat on the bed, weeping into his hands. He understood where Atira was coming from, and he only had himself to blame. He was such a fucking idiot.

Next to Rocco, she was the best thing to ever happen to him, and he'd managed to destroy their relationship in a month.

****

Solemnly, he helped Atira to her car, carrying her belongings and setting them in the back of her Subaru. She looked at him with hurt in her face. God, he had never wanted to make her cry.

"So this is it?" He asked, barely able to get the words out.

"I really don't know. I just need to think," her chin quivered as her eyes met his. "I love you, and this is killing me, but I don't know if this..if right now is good for us."

She wrapped her arms around his tapered waist, sobbing into his shirt. He held her tight, his face buried in her neck. He stroked her hair tenderly, "Fuck, Atira, I fucked this up so bad," he whispered, "I love you more than anything."

Atira pulled away, "I love you too."

Krist brushed the hair from her face, "Can you at least let me know when you make it home? Just so I know you're okay?"

She nodded before slipping into her car, the door closing softly. Krist watched her drive away, his heartbreaking.

****

Atira had barely driven a mile before she had to pull into a convenience store parking lot to break down in a crumbled pile of tears.

She picked up her phone, wanting to call him and tell him she didn't mean it, she was coming back, but she couldn't bring herself to.

Instead, she dialed Cami. "I think I just broke up with Krist," She wept.