Changing Seasons

Sixty-Four

****

"C'mon, go shower and yourself together," Jeordie insisted, "Cami wants you to come over to the house."

"Why? So she can talk shit?" Krist asked sullenly, sounding like a pouty child.

Jeordie wasn't supposed to say anything about Atira being there, but he felt it was the only way to force him to go. "Look, Atira is over there. Cami told me not to say anything, but she wants you two to talk. Cami had gotten her to agree to stay there so you can talk."

It wasn't the complete truth, but close enough. Cami had told Jeordie Atira was on the fence about leaving Krist but needed him to come clean about everything in his past. Cami, being Cami, insisted on mediating to make sure Krist didn't gloss over things that might have been questionable.

Jeordie felt his wife was unreasonable and wished she would let them sort things out alone.

"You better not just be saying that," Krist told him, rising to his feet.

"Dude, why would I make that up?" Jeordie asked him.

Krist gave him a long, icy stare before disappearing to the bathroom to clean up. Jeordie sat down on the couch anxiously. He was worried that Cami might get bitchy or "blunt," as she called it and that Krist would pop off at the mouth to her like he had done earlier that day.

****

What the fuck had Cami told Atira about him? Krist had wondered as he pulled a hoody over his head. Nothing pissed him off more than people using his past against him, and that was one thing Cami loved to do. He was not the same person he was over four years ago, and he'd worked damn hard to be better.

Once an addict, always an addict. Fuck that shit. Krist hated that saying. If that was the case, how was he raising his son alone? How was he able to stay off dope after everything he had been through? Krist laced his sneakers up and studied himself in the mirror.

He looked bad. He wasn't trimmed up. His eyes were swollen. And then that tattoo. He didn't regret getting it, but goddamn...he didn't realize how big it was. Oops.

"Ready?" Jeordie asked when he emerged.

"As ready as I'll ever be," Krist muttered.

****

"Well, that sounds like them," Cami remarked as the sound of a tinny exhaust grew close. She glanced at Atira, squeezing her hand, "Don't be scared to tell him how you feel, okay?"

Atira nodded. Her head was spinning. It was hard to believe it had only been a few hours since she'd last seen Krist. It had been the most rough few hours she'd had since they were teenagers. Her pulse quickened as the door opened, and her heart beat heavily.

Krist strode in behind Jeordie, eyes downcast as he slouched into the recliner across from where Atira sat. The air was thick with tension. She wanted so badly to embrace him, tell her she made a mistake by leaving, and she forgave him, but Cami was right. She needed to create healthy boundaries with him. And for her.

"Krist," Cami began, "I am sure you know already, but I've told Atira a lot about you and what you've done in the past. I am not trying to cause you two problems, but because she deserves to know what she is getting into with you. I think you need to tell her everything about your addiction and the things you've done when you were using."

Krist shot her a dark look, almost hateful. "I don't know what you want me to say," he told her.

"I told her about how things were with Lainey," Cami informed him.

He chewed his bottom lip, fighting back angry tears. Fuck, dude, the shit with Lainey. Krist shook his head, he had never in a million years wanted to have Atira know about what he'd done to her. "I was a piece of shit to her," Krist mumbled.

"Did you really hit her?" Atira asked, voice weak.

He nodded, "A few times," he admitted, "I ain't gonna justify it because it was wrong regardless of being on dope or not. I could have left after the first time, I could have gotten clean sooner, and I didn't. I think I was as addicted to the toxicity of that relationship as I was meth, you know?

"I realize I do downplay a lot of things from my past because I feel like a piece of shit, and I feel like if you know everything, you're going to see that. I've done a lot of fucked up shit, I've burnt bridges with most of the people I love, and I never wanted to do that to you, Atira.

"I know that it was stupid to fuck around last night, and I swear, as soon as I fucking did that line, I regretted it. I felt like a piece of shit coming home and hiding it. That's why I told you.

Atira, you have every right to be upset with me and to question my ability to stay clean. I was stupid for putting myself in a situation that I knew was a bad idea. I fucked up. I don't want to lose you, baby," he told Atira, voice cracked and pleading.

Atira looked at him, her doe-like eyes filled with hurt. "It's hard for me to imagine you as, like, this completely different person than what I know you as. I may have had you on this pedestal since we were teenagers like you were this perfect, ideal person, and then realizing you're not because you're human has been a hard pill to swallow. You're flawed. I'm flawed. Krist, you've been through many things that I can't even imagine. You might be upset with Cami for telling me things, but I needed to know.

"You already know that I've lived a relatively sheltered life, and the only things I know about addiction and drugs and all this other stuff is pretty much what I've seen on television. I don't care if you smoke pot, but coke and hard drugs? I'm not alright with it.

"I think I might have overreacted this morning, and we can move past this. Maybe I reacted rashly by packing up and leaving, but I didn't know what else to do. Now that I have you back, I can't imagine it without you or Rocco. I love you so much, Krist. Today has been the hardest day in years. I am so sorry for taking off like that."

Krist left the recliner, pulling her into his arms, "Baby, you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who fucked up. I love you so, so fucking much." Krist leaned down and kissed her several times.

"I love you, too," she pulled away, her eyes on his. "I need you to understand, though, that because I am forgiving you and willing to work on things, it doesn't mean there aren't going to be boundaries. If you relapse again, I can't stay with you. I can't put myself in a position to be treated like you treated Lainey."

Krist held her close, "I never want to hurt you, baby, ever. You have my word that I will get my shit together. Seeing you cry because of something I did is the worst fucking feeling ever."

Atira buried her face in his chest, "Krist, I just wanna go home."

He lifted her chin, studying her face, "By home, you mean with me, right?"

Atira smiled, tears trickling down her face, "Yes. With you." She handed Krist her car keys, "You want to warm my car up? I'll be right out, okay?"

He kissed her again, "You got it, baby."

Once Krist had left the house, she looked at Cami and said, "Did I make the right choice?" She asked uncertainly.

Cami wrapped her arms around Atira, "You made the right choice for you, and you gave him clear boundaries. You did a good job."