STAY THE NIGHT || Charles Leclerc

FORTY SIX

*CONTENT WARNING, PLEASE READ* This chapter contains descriptions of suicide and it's effects on Olly. If you would like to avoid this, I would strongly advise that you do not read this chapter.

To Olivia, my sister

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry for going so suddenly. I'm sorry for not telling you that I was getting worse again. I'm sorry for not speaking up, trying to get more help.

I'm sorry that this was my only solution.

Olly, I want you to know that even though I chose to leave early, it was still a hard decision for me to make. That was because of you. I never wanted to leave you, Ol. Never. You were my everything, the one light when all I could see was darkness. You kept me going Ol. Without you, I never would have stayed as long as I did. I want you to be proud of that. I know you better than I know myself, and I know that you're going to believe that you failed me. You didn't. You made me. For the last few years, I stayed because of you. You, Olivia Anne Thomas, were the one thing that kept me going. You were relentless. You kept pulling me back up out of the water. You kept me swimming when all I wanted to do was sink. It takes a lot to keep doing that for someone, yet you never would have stopped. You were the strongest soldier, always by my side, and I'm eternally grateful for that Olly. I really mean that.

The day before I left, I went to the places that held some of my best memories, to say goodbye to the places that shaped me. You were in all of them. From the playground where we first met as scared toddlers, to the shopping centre where we would often spend our weekends. Even just sitting at the table in my house, where you would often stay to eat with us. The last place I visited was our bench, the home of a view I needed to see for one last time. I don't know when you'll read this letter - or if you ever will - but I left my last drawing there for you. An engraving into the wood, hidden under the seat so that nobody would ever see it unless they already knew it was there. A heart, with a star in its centre. My heart, with my star Olivia inside of it.

Olly, I know you've probably wondered how you missed all the signs that you'd come to know so well. A new scar on my arm, a week where I wouldn't go to school, times when I cancelled plans at the last minute. I hid them all, on purpose. I hid them because I knew that you would recognize the signs, and I knew that this was going to be the last time. I wasn't going to let you pull me above the water again. And I hope that you can forgive me for that.

I hope that you'll always remember me Olly. One of my biggest fears was being forgotten about, and I hope that I lived long enough for people to still remember me when they're old and grey. Maybe it's a bit selfish, but I want to live on in your memory. We'd made a lot of plans Olly, and I hope that you get to do the things we wanted to do together. I don't want you to stop just because I did. Keep going, keep driving, keep pushing. And when you don't want to do it anymore, do it for me. Go, move to Monaco, get a degree in architecture, start up the architecture firm. Travel the world for me, see everything I did and more. Meet a guy, fall in love, get married, have kids. Tell them about their Auntie Mia, who they never got to meet but would have loved them so much and absolutely spoiled them. Live a long life. Live a happy life. And when you're old and widowed, your hair has greyed and you're sat bored in a retirement home, I'll let you come and join me.

I'll be with you, always and forever, Ol. Always and forever.

Mia