Bangtan's Baby | 18+

sixteen✧༺here comes spring

Jin's POV

When Jimin told us what Li liked, it made it easier for me.

It shouldn't have.

I know it must be cruel. I know someone like her doesn't deserve it.

"She likes a mix of humiliation and praise during sex," Jimin said. "Degrading in a way, but there are boundaries, of course."

I wasn't kind to her to begin with, but I had started to be. Although I ensured the distance between us never closed, I could feel her chipping away at the sculpture I had become.

I tried to keep myself closed off, tried to keep her at arms distance, but it was becoming impossible.

I thought about her more often than not, and she began to take up space in my mind, just like Gyeo did—just like Gyeo still does.

It feels different with Li. It could be the distance, it could be the dynamic, but it could simply be her.

She's not Gyeo, although it would be easier if she were. I could push her aside and keep the potential pain away, but she's kind.

She's sweet enough that I can feel it in my teeth, sweet enough that when I kiss her, I can feel it on my tongue, lingering hours after she's gone. Everything about her is sweet enough to make me sick, and still, I want more. The thought itself makes me sick.

After the talk with Jimin, after he told me what she liked, I took advantage of it. I knew it was wrong, but it was easier. It helped me keep the last wall between us. I know Jimin meant only to humiliate and degrade her during sex and the build-up, but I did it outside of both.

I was already off-putting to her, but I could tell she noticed the difference when I implemented it, when I started being rougher, harsher. When my words began to cut deeper.

It was a few days of difference before we went to pick her up from work, all of us piled in the car with no extra seats available for her. I pulled her on my lap and used my arms as her seatbelt. I remember how she was stiff until she wasn't and how her body eventually melted against mine.

I didn't realize how much I needed her that close until I didn't want to let her go.

She refused to leave me, and every part of me ached not to let her, but I pushed my facade to the surface, and I told her a different story. She left quickly. I wish I hadn't done that. I wish I had stayed with her in the car, held her on my lap, and kissed her for the first time when it was just the two of us.

And it was different, the two of us in my room—when she told me she wanted me.

"They can give you rough," I told her.

She said, "But they can't give me you."

Maybe she was lying, maybe me admitting my want for her was to edge her pleasure on, but I was too weak to deny myself her lips anymore.

I hadn't kissed anyone since Gyeo. I'm glad it was Li.

♡

I enter the house the morning after I denied wanting a relationship with her at the breakfast table. I stayed at a hotel overnight, laid on the sheets, and didn't sleep. I thought about her.

The house is quiet. I hoped it would be. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I can grab a change of clothes and head to work; I'll deal with my friends there.

The stairs creak beneath me, and I think I join them. It feels like I do, the deepest parts of me creaking and saying things I never meant for them to say.