Your Shadow Crosses Mine

25

I watch as everyone starts pouring into the room.

All happy and smiles.

While I'm over here just wishing I wasn't.

It's almost like someone above is playing a cruel trick that I can't escape.

I feel a hand go onto my arm as the seat next to me depends with weight.

"You ok?" Christopher asks

I just smile and give a small nod.

I wasn't ok at all.

To be honest I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom.

And I don't just mean mentally.

I've been in bed and been feeling Chris behind me.

Not doing anything but just feeling him there.

It's been so odd.

Like I like the feeling of someone being there but not him.

God I wish sometimes I could cut everything off and be a robot.

"Well you may wanna get this drink down your neck"

"I'm good thanks"

It's something about how he can be so calm it irritates me.

Like I so badly want him to flip the fuck out.

Smash shit.

Punch the fucking wall.

But he's calm.

It's strange.

Though now I say that out loud I'm realising for other people they are probably thinking I need help.

Not that I don't disagree

I do.

I watch as everyone around me seems so buzzed.

They're happy talking, sipping their drinks like no tomorrow.

And I really wish someone would notice me dying in the corner.

But I also ain't physically dying and I don't want anyone knowing.

I mean when you hit rock bottom you hit it at full speed.

There's sometimes no warning.

And fuck I wish there would have been.

"Excuse me" I smile

As I brush past all these people I make my way to a bathroom.

I lock the door and leave the tap running as I try to collect enough energy.

To at least pretend my night away.

I can't help but stare at myself in the mirror.

And almost feel sorry for myself.