Five Years

6

"Are you okay?-" She asked.

"Hotel rooms." I quickly said.

Abby nodded and pulled Josh to the receptionist desk. Aunt K stood in front of me but I couldn't hear her. I was focused on trying not to cry. No panic attack. Not now. Just wait. Abby and Josh came back and handed a random room to each person. I was 427. Aunt K showed me hers which read 418. She was close, on the same floor. Good. Everyone headed to the different elevators, including James. Aunt K couldn't really try and ask because we had another family in the elevator. They slowly got off until it was just me and Aunt K on the fourth floor. I quickly got to my room with Aunt K following.

"I'm okay, just give me a little time." I say with the best smile I could. I shut the door before she could reply and immediately looked down to see my hands shaking rapidly.

I sit down on my bed and drop my stuff on the floor. A smile? He gives me a smile? After everything? I started to get really hot. I pulled on my shirt to try and give me some air, to cool myself off. He- he looked so... he looked the same but something was different about him. Why was it so hard to see him? Why can't it be easier? Why does this hurt so much? I was finally getting over him and now this. I was finally okay and now this. I needed to move, needed to do anything so I started to pace. Why am I panicking, it's been five years? I start pounding on my chest, it hurts and it's not going away. My skin feels like it's crawling, I try to reposition myself but it still is there. Why does his smile look so... so happy? Is he really happy? Wow. He's happy and I'm like this. I'm having panic attacks, I've changed, I'm struggling, I... he's happy. I didn't even know that I was crying. I wanted to go down there and storm into his room but I didn't know which room was his besides what am I gonna say? What should I say to him? Then what? I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to be around him, I don't want to even see him and yet all I can picture is him and his smile. I can't do this. I can't do this alone. I can't wait it out again. I quickly run out and look for Aunt K's room. I read all the numbers, 426, 425, 423, 420. I have to choose between right or left. I start to have trouble breathing. I try but I don't get enough. I try to go faster but I'm still not getting enough oxygen. I chose left and started reading numbers. 401, 404. Crap, wrong way. No no no, I need Aunt K. I finally found Anut Ks room and knocked on the door. I'm sure it sounded more like pounding. I was panicking, I couldn't breathe, my head hurt, I was sweating, and shaking. A moment later she opened the door with a confused expression that quickly turned to worry.

"Oh my- what happened Mari!" She asked as she builder me in her room and sat me on her bed.

"I- I can't- cant breath." I tried getting out.

"Your hyperventilating just take a deep breath. Focus only on your breathing and close your eyes." She told me.

I tried. I closed my eyes and pushed out the image of James. I tried focusing on my breathing, slower breaths.

"Good." She said softly.

It was working. I noticed I wasn't as panicked. My heart was still beating fast and I was still sweating. But the pain and shaking were slowly disappearing.

"What happened? When did you start having panic attacks?" Aunt K asked, very clearly more concerned than I had ever seen her.

"I've only had six. This was my first time in three years." I answered.

I was kinda ashamed. I never got panic attacks before, never.

"When did this start?" She asked before the realization hit. "Mari..."

"Stop it. I just needed help to stop it. I'm good now. On top of that I now know what to do." I tried to stand up but I quickly realized I needed another minute first.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Aunt K asked.

"Because of right now. You're looking at me as if I'm going to brake, I told you I'm fine. It just caught me off guard." I tried to make it sound believable, tried to put an end to it.

"What about next time you see him? Then what? Another panic attack? This is not okay Maribelle, I thought you said you were okay." She said she sounded upset.

She grabbed out her phone from next to her. She was going to text Abby. I quickly grabbed the phone from her hands.

"No! Don't you dare tell Abby." I panicked.

"Maribella you're not okay." Aunt K tried.

"I will be but no way am I going to do anything to distract her from her wedding Aunt K. Let her have this, I will not be the one who puts the dampen on it. I have done that too much already. I will give back your phone but you will not text her." I said sternly.

"Okay." She agreed. I got her phone back and she put it away.

"I will be okay, Aunt K. I am okay, I just wasn't prepared like I thought I was." I reassured her.

I took a breath and headed back to my room.