Boondocks

Chapter 45: To Die For

WILLOW

I swore to myself that when they left, I wouldn't shed a tear. That I'd be strong, and I wouldn't make it harder on them. But no sooner had they left the ship, I'd broken. I'd sobbed. I'd gone a bit insane, until I wasn't crying anymore, but screaming. As if every part of me was being slowly ripped to shreds, and I was doomed to never die.

They didn't turn back. Not even Croc. They disappeared from view, from me, from existence. They may as well have turned to ash. I emptied, my sobs shrinking, until all that remained was a silent cry. There I sat, alone again, and I couldn't help but feel like I'd just made the biggest mistake of my life. I should have fought harder to make them stay. I should have been the voice of reason. That's what Julia would have done, but no matter how hard I fought to fill her shoes, I wasn't her. She wasn't here, and things were falling apart. I was failing.

I rubbed my face hard and pushed to my feet, hurrying back to our cabin. The children were already asleep, tucked in by Croc for the last time. Read their last story. I hesitated, my hand on the doorknob, swallowing convulsively, forcing myself not to start crying again. Crying wouldn't help. It never had. Crying got you killed, and I couldn't break the way Lita had. I couldn't do that to them, not again, not knowing there would be no one else coming to save them.

Slowly, I eased the door open. Moonlight spilled into the pitch black room, casting a ray of blue light onto the bed. Eve and Eric slept peacefully, unaware just how much our lives were about to change. In their minds, Croc was invincible. It didn't matter how many people they lost, or how many times their stability was shattered. Croc was their constant. He was too strong to be defeated.

If only it were true.

I crawled between them, rested my head on the pillow, and closed my eyes. I wanted to sleep, to be where she was, to feel her embrace. But no matter how hard I tried, all I could see were the backs of my eyelids. All I could picture were horrible images: bullets and blood and chairs equipped with straps. Men in white coats. Neon green IVs. I clenched my teeth, gripping the pillow, tempted to bang my head against the wall until I knocked myself unconscious.

Instead, I lied to myself. They hadn't really left, and Croc was a breath away. It was surprisingly easy to believe—far easier than the truth. Finally, blessedly, I dozed off, submersing into the dream I'd come to rely on. But, as if it knew the waking world was chaos, it too had changed. So much so, I almost didn't recognize it.

The swing was white, freshly painted, swaying soundlessly from chains so new they shimmered in the sunlight. Clean cobblestones led to the fountain, which flowed with the bluest water I'd ever seen. The ground stretched out, carpeted in thick, dewy grass.

"What a beautiful day," Julia said.

I looked over, finding her like I always did, dressed in white, hair neatly tied back.

"It is," I said. Lush vines covered the walls. Floral bushes lined the perimeter. Butterflies and bumblebees bounced from flower to flower: yellows, pinks, purples, and blues. Too perfect to be real. "Is this heaven?" I asked.

She snorted. "Hardly."

My eyes zeroed in on the statue, mossy and beautiful and proud. She looked so much less severe than she had before. A soft smile played on her features, and her gaze was warm, enveloping instead of penetrating. No judgement. Only acceptance. She reminded me of mother nature, and all at once, I remembered why I'd come here.

I turned toward Julia, taking her hands. "Things are bad, and I don't know what to do."

She tilted her head. "What's bad?"

"They're attacking Savannah."

Her brow furrowed. "Who's attacking Savannah?"

"Merle and Croc. Everyone. I didn't stop them. I should have stopped them."

"Shh." Julia pulled her hands from mine and reached to her opposite side. "No reason to worry about all that. It doesn't matter here. All that matters is this moment. Isn't the courtyard beautiful? I thought we'd have our lunch out here."

I chewed my lip, wanting to argue but unable to find the words to say. She was acting as if none of it was real, and perhaps that was because she wasn't really Julia. Just a figment of my imagination, conjured as a way to cope with the fact that she was gone. I swallowed the knot in my throat, feeling as if I was losing her all over again.

She rummaged through her bag, and I waited for the apple. She always had one, and it was always the last, always the sweetest, always the end of our interaction together. But she turned back, holding a plate full of brightly colored squares.

For a full second, I blanked. "Jelly foods?"

Julia smiled. "I brought your favorite. I know how much you love the ham flavored." She picked one up, took a large bite, and hummed. "To die for."

The scene shifted, and I was suddenly somewhere else. There was no swing, no path, no fountain. There were no walls. Just rolling hills of vivid green, all leading up to a giant apple tree. My lips parted on a breath. It swayed in the wind, stretching so high it seemed to reach heaven. Sunlight shone through the branches, glinting off the thousands of bright red apples like Christmas bulbs.

"Lunch is ready!" Julia called from somewhere in the distance. I couldn't see her, but I knew she was waiting.

I smiled wide, feeling fresh and young and safe as I sprinted across the clearing, headed toward her. "I'm coming!" I called, but my voice didn't sound like my own. It was too high, too harmonic. My legs were different too, unchanged, lacking speed and power. No matter how hard I pushed them, the tree only got farther and farther away.

"Aren't you coming?" Julia sang.

"I am!" I ran harder. "I'm coming." Birds flew up from the branches, dark specs twirling within the golden rays. Beautiful. "I'm coming!"

Finally, I reached the shade, running down a final hill. Massive roots twisted and intertwined across the Earth, rising above and sinking in like serpents in an ocean of grass. I weaved around and climbed over them. I could see her now, silhouetted in front of the mighty trunk. The sun beamed around her, blinding me to her features. I scrambled forward, tripping over roots, pushing and pushing but getting nowhere. "I'm here!"

"Where is here?" she asked.

Gunfire sounded, jarring me awake. I bolted upright, disoriented.

"Willow?" Eve's voice was small. She and Eric were both awake, clinging to me on either side. Distant shots rumbled like thunder. They'd done it. They'd really done it.

The children shivered. Eric cried softly.

"I'm here." I reached over and lit the bedside lantern, then I wrapped my arms around them. "There, that's better." I wasn't sure how I sounded so calm. All I knew was they were afraid, and it was my job to be what they needed. The dream had done little more than convince me that's all it was. A dream. My imagination. Julia was gone. She wasn't waiting in some courtyard. She didn't wear white or slick back her hair. She'd for sure never be caught dead salivating over ham-flavored jelly. "I'm here." This was real. This moment, giving them what I'd been seeking for myself.

"Are Papa Merle and Croc almost back?" Eve asked. She didn't sound so sure anymore.

Eric lifted his head, staring up at me as he awaited my answer.

I bit the inside of my cheek. A part of me wanted to lie, to say of course they were coming back. I wanted to pretend, but with each round of shots fired, I knew the odds were against us. For all I knew, they were already dead. Would I know when they were? Would I sense it? Croc and I had become so connected, I couldn't imagine he would leave this world, and I wouldn't feel as if a part of myself had been severed.

"I don't know," I answered.

An explosion sounded, causing us all to jolt. We held our breaths as quiet settled for one beat, two, before the gunfire sounded again. I held them tighter, caressing their heads as I swallowed back a fresh round of sobs. It was one thing to know where they were, and what they were doing. It was torture to have to listen to it, powerless to do anything to help.

Eric pulled back and scrambled off the bed, returning a moment later with a small, square book. I released a shaky breath, recognizing it right away. He handed it to me and climbed back beneath the covers, curling into my side as he waited.

I took another breath and opened the cover. "The Little Engine that Could."