Boondocks

Chapter 15: His smiles

WILLOW

I shouldn't have told him. I should have known he'd react this way. For nearly two weeks, he'd been killing himself so I would take it easy. He was up before dawn to fish, so he could be back in time to watch the children. If he saw me lifting something, anything, he'd rush forward and take it from my hands. He constantly plied me full of food and water, to the point I felt overfed.

All the while, I kept wishing my period would start. Every time I went to the bathroom, I'd panic to find that it hadn't. No matter what he said, we couldn't do this. We couldn't have a baby. We couldn't even guarantee Eve and Eric would be safe. We couldn't even protect ourselves.

Thankfully, no one noticed our dilemma. Not even Julia, who usually noticed everything. They were all too focused on the new arrival. Half the camp whispered she was a witch, while the other half focused on Tex's obvious obsession with her. He'd been different since she arrived. He rarely met up with the men, and when he did, it was a brief, distracted interaction before he'd disappear again. Reggie got another beating for his mouth, so bad Julia had to step in with a belt to break them apart.

Free time, boredom, and a need to distract myself had me learning what I could about her. Now I knew why she seemed so different, because she was different. She wasn't damaged in the same way everyone else was. As time drew on, and she gained weight, it was like having an enigma close by. I avoided interactions with her, not because I disliked her, but because she shone a light on all the things I hated about myself.

I inspected her camp while she was gone, eyeing all the herbs and plants she kept carefully stored. She didn't have much, a single pack. I didn't look inside it, aware that I was already behaving like an obsessed lunatic. I caught interactions between her and Tex. Sometimes, I'd catch her interacting with no one, having full conversations beneath her breath whenever she was alone.

But she wasn't crazy; that much I could tell. She was too self-sufficient to have lost her wits. Julia adored her, and she'd only just gotten here. All she ever talked about was Fern this and Fern that. Fern was such a great gardener. Fern could really use that bow and arrow. Fern was so sweet. Fern was so innocent. Fern made her think of better times.

I shouldn't have been jealous, but I was. I tried not to compare myself to her, but I did. I kept thinking about Croc, and how I'd known there were better girls. Untainted girls. But being faced with one, day after day, made my insecurities flourish like Julia's garden.

It didn't help that Croc and I wanted different things. I didn't want a baby. I never wanted a baby. Seeing him so overjoyed filled my chest with razor blades, and pretending was impossible when he could sense my every emotion.

Would a girl like Fern want a baby?

"What do you think?" Julia announced as she entered camp. She held up a mass of sewn together bits of yellow and orange fabric. Eric's Halloween costume.

"Looks like corn to me," I said, fighting to inject some excitement into my voice. Eve's mermaid costume was already finished and hanging up in Julia's tent.

Julia slid the outfit onto a hanger. "It's hysterical and sweet how all the men are anticipating handing out candy. Did you notice Cecil's tent?"

I shook my head. "What about it?"

Julia laughed. "He decorated it! Cecil! He took a black marker and drew the ugliest damn bats I've ever seen in my life all over the canvas. At least, I think they're bats. He's not the only one, though. Tex had the men build a bunch of scarecrows, and can you believe he cut up perfectly good sheets just to dress the bears up like ghosts?"

I smiled. At least the kids would have one good holiday. Hopefully, it would be more.

My mind wandered, counting down the days, months, years until they'd each be old enough to handle the horrors awaiting us all. Ten years? Fifteen? If we could maintain this for that long, then maybe it would be okay. If we could cocoon them for as long as possible. My hand settled over my stomach, thinking of what may lay within. What about them? Would they have one good holiday? Two? Would they feel safe until they were five? Would they survive that long?