Year 18

-Chapter 34-

I've held suspicions about what happened. Kane's inability to meet my eyes, the defeated look I see when I manage to catch a glimpse of his. Lack of specifics and facts have left gaps where my hesitancy to fill them has grown into caverns of concern. Whatever the Leader did, whatever Charlie did, it wasn't the first time I was used against Kane. Since meeting one another, there have been a number of occasions where Kane's care for my wellbeing has been a stumbling block. The Government was not so quick to let that go once discovering it.

"It wasn't that I didn't want to believe my eyes when you came back to headquarters," Kane sighs, a nerve pulsing along his jaw as he stares past me. "I couldn't. While I was here I saw you every day."

Kane's hand—still holding mine—shakes, mimicking his voice.

"I still don't know who it was in my Cell. I don't know if it was different Agents, the Leader... Charlie." Kane's eyes are red, his face twisting as he holds back his emotions. "Everyday it was a variation of the same thing. They... they would bring someone in. They would bring someone in that looked like you. Everyday I wondered if it might actually be you."

I think of the UCPs we have relied so heavily on. An invention we felt was imperative to our endeavors. Now it feels like a cruel, twisted technology.

"I felt that same sick sense of relief when it wasn't you. Like I had with Charlie. They forced me to watch as they killed you. Guns, knives... there was no threshold they wouldn't cross. They would pretend to be you, over and over. Of course they would never put themselves in any danger. They had others for those roles."

Fear begs me not to ask, but the question is past my lips before I can stop it. "Who did they use? Who were they really killing?"

"People who opposed," Kane's voice breaks. "Anyone with any ties to the Year Movement, to us. Criminals in the eyes of the Government. Those that trusted me."

I grip Kane's hand tightly between mine, bowing my head.

All those lives lost.

"I couldn't escape the sight of it, the sound of it. Every day, for hours they dedicated time to this. Hearing those people's pleas for help, your voice..."

There are no words that could begin to communicate how sorry I am.

There are no words that can adequately provide comfort.

"They begged for their lives," his eyes darken, his voice low, "and when those prayers went unanswered, they begged me to take their lives."

Kane's hand pulls away, moving to cup my face, tears coursing along his cheeks. "I lost you over and over again. You died at my hand more times than I can count. And all I was left with was that warped sense of relief when the facades faded away, and you weren't there."

Kane the leader, left feeling as though he's failed.

Kane the provider, left to take the lives of those who trusted him.

Kane, a man, a boy, lost in a world that has fought him every mile.

He pulls me toward him, his arms behind my head as my forehead rests against his shoulder.

"Forgive me," he sobs, "please forgive me."

I know these words aren't meant for me, nor do I think this is the first time he's called them out, hoping that those souls lost to the Government's cruelty would grant him peace and the strength to ensure their deaths weren't in vain.

A/N ~ Hi everyone! What were your thoughts on this chapter? About Kane's experience in the Cells?

Same as last time, I would love to hear your feedback about what you want to see from me here on this account after Year 18 is done. My goal is to finish it by 12/27, which is a big anniversary for these books as some of you may know.

You are more than welcome to comment any feedback as per usual, however if you want to fill out this Google Form that would be super helpful! You can answer as many or as few questions as you'd like :) (There are 5 questions in total)

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Until next time everyone!

-Sarah