HER

Still You

November 17, 2023
I went to a restaurant. I don't know why but I ordered 2 flavored beer. I was alone and the only customer in the restaurant. I was staring at the beautiful view. Looking at the sky and let out a little sigh. Then I felt a sudden shock in my heart. A pain of longing. A pain of being left alone. It hurts. I relapsed. Everything came back. Our memories flashes in my mind. I didn't noticed that I already drank a few bottles of beer.

It hurts. I miss you badly. I came home and decided not to go to work.

Around 2am I saw a tiktok live about "what if"
I commented "what if hindi mo ako iniwan sa ere, 10 years din yun"
The host noticed my comment and invited me to join the live. It was my first time! The hosts asked me to share our story so I did. But it hits me real hard when one of the viewers commented "you get what you tolerated". And it's true. I'm also one to blame because I tolerated you. It also hurts when the host told me "anong akala nya sayo, pag d nag work yung pinili nya babalik siya sayo. Back up plan? Second option?"
I was unable to answer this. I just laughed it off just to escape that statement.
The live ended and another realization came in.
I slept almost 4 am.

November 20, 2023

It's been a week that we parted ways. A week that I have not seen your face.  I thought I'm coping up.
I was having my afternoon nap when I was awaken due to my heart beating so fast that it hurst to breathe.

I saw you. I saw you in my dreams. I miss you!
Even in my dreams, I was still not the one for you.

I was walking home carrying 2 bags I don't know what's inside.
I saw you riding a motorcycle and the other hand is holding a different kind of motorcycle.

You stopped when you saw me. God, that beautiful smile. Those little eyes. I miss looking at that beautiful face!

We talked, I asked you why are you here you did not answer. I noticed the other weird motorcycle that you're holding and asked who's motorcycle it that. You smiled and answered. "It's J's cousin's" then you smirked. My heart dropped. (J was your ex, your first love)

"Ohhh, so you already get back together?" I asked.
You smiled and responded "hmm, nope. I tried to but she turn me down. She said she doesn't want to. But I reached out to her first". My tears are clouding up my eyes. Then an unfamiliar face came in. J's cousin. I asked you why are you able to go out when you're supposed to be in the training center. You just smirked. Then the unfamiliar face answered "you said you're going to get a refund ate".
And I was like "Oh, a refund? So, you came to me to get a refund? Hahaha"
You just smiled.

I woke up and reached for my heart.
God! I miss that smile! I miss your lame excuses just to see me. But it hurts. It hurts like hell that even in my dreams you can't choose me.