Seen There, Done That (Sensara Series 1)

25

Something shifted in the air once the video ended. Si Tita at Tito ay sandaling nawala sa venue.

I stood up then Kuya Maddox followed my every move. Laging nakaalalay.

“Are you okay? Saan ka pupunta?”

“I am okay, Kuya Maddox. Doon lang muna ako kina Mama. Belinda texted me too. Pupunta rin ako ro’n.”

“Okay. Sige. Let’s go.”

Nauna pa siya sa aking naglakad. He looked back once just to haul me on the arm. Akala ko ay didiretso sa mga pinsan pero sinamahan pa ako sa table nina Mama.

“Maddox. Achie,” salubong ni Mama sa amin.

I tried to smile but my lips obviously trembled. Hinila niya ako para sa isang mahigpit na yakap.

The sides of my eyes are hot but I remained impassive. Just like what Kuya Maddox calls me.

“Okay lang iyan, ‘nak. Ganoon talaga.”

Hinagod-hagod ako ni Mama sa likuran at tinapik-tapik. It really helped me a lot. Pumikit ako at sandaling dumantay sa balikat niya.

“Hindi naman ba sakit sa ulo itong si Achie? Baka siya pa ang alagain sa mansiyon, ah,” dinig ko si Papa.

“Hindi po. Mabait po iyang si Achie. There’s nothing to worry about po.”

Lalo akong inalo ni Mama at inupo sa isang tabi.

“Ayos ka lang ba, ha? Buhay na buhay ang boses ni Miki ro’n. Kahit ako ay nagulat at nanikip ang dibdib.”

“I know, Mama,” may multong ngiti na gumuhit sa labi ko habang nakatingin sa malayo. “That's definitely what Miki would say to Tita Chona.”

“Ang galing nga no’n. Paano ba iyon nagawa? Boses na boses ni Miki.”

I shrugged passively. Still in a haze and Miki’s voice lingers at every corner of my mind. Parang kinukurot ang puso ko habang lumulundag din sa tuwa.

His voice could calm me and at the same time let me lose all my motor function.

Parang nakalutang ako noong palapit na kami kina Belinda. Both her and Daphne’s eyes are red. Definitely fresh from crying. Lumabi si Bel sa akin at hinagkan ako.

“I love you, Ate Achie. Are you okay?” hinawakan niya ako sa magkabilang pisngi. Naiiling at hinampas-hampas ako. “Why are you like that?”

Hindi niya ako tinantanan at nakalingkis sa akin sa buong oras na naglagi ako sa tabi niya.

Our table shifted from topics to another. Until it ended up with what was presented earlier.

“I just thought that it would be the best birthday gift for Tita…” si Daphne. Nagsimula siyang suminghot.

“We all miss Kuya Miki. Sometimes it just hurts me that we can’t say his name out loud. Like, we have to forget him and continue with our l-lives. He’s b-been a taboo topic…”

“Daphne, it’s not like that,” si Kuya Conch.

“You know it is, Kuya.”

“I miss Kuya Miki. He didn’t d-deserved that. Bakit kung sino pa ba ang mabait?!” Bel exclaims desperately.

Napalunok ako at lumingon sa kung saan. I heard sniffs from both Daphne and Belinda. Ako pa ngayon ang umaalo kay Bel.

Kuya Maddox reached for my elbow and shook his head. 

Hindi sila matahan kaya tumayo na ako at nagpahatid ng tubig sa lamesa. I hesitated to come back. Dali-dali akong lumabas ng pavilion at doon huminga nang malalim.

The cold air and dark sky seems to be sympathetic to us. To me.

Ngayon ko naramdaman ang panlalambot. My breathing labored as I walked away from the place. Napahawak na ako sa pasimano para saluhin ang sarili.

I sat on it. The farthest from the pavilion. Madilim pero payapa.

My fingers curled on the cement as I slowly bowed my head. Tahimik na umagos ang kanina pang pilit kumakawalang luha.

I didn’t dare to wipe it away because the hotness feels like a hug. 

Miki’s voice echoes inside my head. I’m crying but at the same time smiling so widely.

I’ve never heard of it for the longest time. Ngayon lang. Sa tingin ko ay ako rin ang niregaluhan ni Daphne. Parang birthday ko rin at natanggap ko ang pinakamagandang regalo sa tanang buhay ko.

“Achie, malamig at malamok dito…”

A smooth texture against my skin creates a soothing sensation and offers warmth to me. I can only see Kuya Maddox hands fixing the coat to fully cover me.

Kalaunan ay hinila niya ako palapit sa kanya. Nakatayo siya at itinago ako sa kanyang dibdib. 

I silently weep and I know for sure that his dress shirt is now wet. Noong magsimulang manginig ang mga balikat ko ay pinantayan niya na ako at umupo sa tabi ko.

The gentle embrace from the fabric is now changed with Kuya Maddox arms wrapping around me.

“Kanina pa iyan, Achie? You can always ask me to hold it for you. You don’t have to suppress that pain all alone.”

Kumalas ako sa yakap. I tried to make it a joke. “It’s a lot to hold…”

“The more you need help.”

Tumango ako. I tried to make a witty remark but my throat is way too heavy to utter a word. Tumingin ako sa harap at nagsimulang humikbi.

“Everyone’s a-asking me if I’m okay…” umiling-iling ako. “I’m not. I’m not o-okay. I’ve never been okay s-since… Miki left me behind.”

“I couldn’t even t-tell anyone. I always thought that it’s okay to… cry all about it later. Pero wala nang lumalabas. Miki shouldn’t leave me. He c-cannot leave me because I can’t…”

Lumakas ang paghikbi ko at nagtuloy-tuloy na. Hindi ko na rin pinigilan dahil gusto ko na talagang mailabas ito.

Lumingon ako kay Kuya Maddox. Trying to pass my message and hoping that he could understand.

“I don’t k-know how… I can’t… I don’t know h-how to live without him. How can I get over someone I loved… gone…” lumabi ako at pumasaere na ang mga kamay dahil sa kabiguan. “Was that my only c-chance to hear his voice again? How about his hug?! His smile? His stories…”

Napahilamos ako sa sarili.

“I know that it’s incredibly painful right now, Achie. Losing Miki will never be easy. Heck, that boy… is someone you cannot just replace. But it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to wish for an extension… for a dream where you can see him again. It’s all okay.”

Nangungusap ang malalim na mata ni Kuya Maddox. His hand carefully guided my face to look directly at him.

“But you have to remember that you’re not alone. Okay? We’re here to support you. I’m here. I’m always here for you.”