I have all that I want

Nightmares

One night I was sat in bed, Flaire had rolled over and was already fast asleep. The sound of her soft breath, with her body moving up and down in a rhythmic way, made me feel calm. I smiled as I glanced as her, her hair splayed out on her pillow, waves of brunette tumbling towards me. I tentatively lifted a chunk of her hair and played with it between my fingertips. It was so soft and beautiful. She looked so peaceful now, like all the things we'd been through had never happened and she was just a regular woman with a regular life. Of course it was anything but that ideology. I suddenly fancied a cup of tea, so cautiously got myself out of our bed, careful not to awaken Flaire. I walked around the bed to her side and kissed her on the cheek before leaving the room.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of the dark, but doesn't everything seem a little creepier in the dark? For example, our staircase, a perfectly nice staircase, became the absolute scariest thing of my life in the dark. And I've been in an arena with 23 other people who all want to kill each other because it's the only way to stay alive. As I got to the sixth step it creaked as it always did, the high sound echoing through the empty space. I felt a shiver run up my spine. Like a little boy, I ran to the kitchen and flicked the light on, as if Mr Boogie Man had chased me there (do not judge, you have not been on those stairs at night). I filled the kettle and switched it on and sighed as I leant against the countertop waiting for the water to boil.

I thought about everything that had happened in the last few years. I often found myself doing this. I mean it was a lot to take in and the world had changed so much. My life had changed so much. I didn't miss my old life but there was a bitter sweetness leaving so much behind. My childhood, my games, mentoring, belonging to Snow, Annie, the fighting, the arguments, the stress. I mean when you're given a minute to look back and breathe you realise things. I questioned how I wasn't more effected by it all, but I supposed if it was all you'd ever know it was hard to be effected deeply by it. I wondered what it'd be like if Snow was still around. Would I still be sleeping with countless of the Capitol's women? Would I still be with Flaire? Would I be happy? Probably not, but it did make me wonder. Interrupting my thoughts was the kettle going off. I quickly grabbed a tea bag and tossed it in a mug, then poured the boiling water over it. I let it stew for a few minutes and then added a sugar cube and a splash of milk. As I picked up my mug I heard a loud scream, instantly the ceramic fell from my hands and hit the ground. Accompanying the screams was the sound of smashing and some colourful words. Quite the orchestra if I do say so myself.

"SHIT!" I yelled, as tea scolded my foot.

But that was the least of my worries. I'd been through worse than I little foot burn (even thought it hurt like hell in that moment), so I ignored it and bolted up the stairs. Flaire was still screaming. As I entered the room, I saw her thrashing around, tossed and turning as the covers attempted to kidnap her. I sprung into action.

"Wake up," I said, "come on Flaire, wake up sweetheart."

She writhed around, yelling words I couldn't quite make out. I didn't want to see her like this. I became more desperate.

"Flaire!" I yelled, "WAKE UP!"

Her eyes shot open, she gasped for breath as if her head had been held under water for far too long. Her skin was pale and she was drenched in sweat. As soon as she sat up she burst into tears, clutching her chest.

"Can't... breathe..." she heaved.

Panic attack. The two words my mind first went to. It had happened a lot before, that's PTSD for you, but this time she seemed even more panicked. I just had to remind myself not to panic, because that would only make things worse for her. I sat in front of her and gently took her hands from her chest and held them in mine.

"Flaire," I said quietly, "look at me."

"Can't...breathe..." she said again.

"I know, I know sweetheart, but I can't help you," I replied calmly.

She nodded, her bottom lip wobbling. I began to draw shapes with my fingertips on her palms as I talked to her.

"Look at me and keep looking at me okay? Focus on me, yeah?" I said gently, "now breathe in through your nose..."

She slowly managed to.

"And out through your mouth," I instructed.

She did. After a few rounds of slow breathing she'd calmed herself down. She looked deep into my eyes and then flung her arms around me. I caught her and rubbed small circle on her back, breathing in deeply. She started to cry again.

"Shhh you're okay, you're okay," I murmured into her hair.

"No," she sobbed, "no Finn they were all-"

"Shhhh," I soothed, "you're safe."

"No! Listen to me!" she yelled suddenly jerking from my arms. She stared at me straight in the eyes with the fear of a cornered animal, "Something bad is going to happen."

"What?"

"I don't know what it is but he told me," she said, "something bad is coming."

"Come here," I said softly.

She weakened and fell into my arms, still sobbing.

"I won't let anything happen to you," I whispered, "remember that, yeah? I'm here to keep you safe."

She didn't reply and carried on crying into my chest. I held her as her whole body shook with agony. I hated this. Seeing her so broken and upset and not knowing what to do. But the thing that scared me most was how serious she looked. Who had told her this? Why did she think bad things were going to happen? Was everything that had happened in the past driving my wife to insanity?

***
Hope you enjoyed this chapter ❤️
Quick question: Are kettles an English thing? Because I swear I saw somewhere that in America you guys don't have kettles! That's crazy to me, but I guess in Panem they have kettles now.
Thanks for reading xx