Innocence Lost (Negan x OC)

monsters and mayhem

The ticking clock on the far wall of the kitchen was continuous. My eyes kept switching from the moving hands of the clock to the bandages stained in red that adorned my knuckles.  Every time I moved my fingers, the rough gauze would rub against the open wounds and cause my eyes to twitch at the twinge of pain. The window above the kitchen sink was slightly ajar, letting in the fresh morning air and causing the cream curtains to sway lightly.

After my early morning workout session, I took the coldest shower I could endure.

His eyes were flashing in my mind. The look he gave me only a hour prior was making my head swim with questions that I didn't want answered. I could still feel the ghost of his stubble against my palm from last night, no matter how hard I scrubbed my hands in the shower this morning. His dark voice whispering to me, "To be continued, darlin'." had raised goosebumps that I feared would never go away.

No matter how hard I tried to reason with myself, I still couldn't come up with the answer as to why I did what I did. I initiated the contact between us. I touched him. After all these years, I made the first contact. I threw all those years of being my better self away.

I didn't want to be that part of myself again. It would never be how it was between us, no matter how much I wished it could. I just kept telling myself that he caught me off guard last night. It had been a long day and I wasn't in my right mind. That's why it happened. Right?

I needed to focus on today. We were going to talk with the new comers and see whether or not they were fit to stay. A good headspace was what I was aiming for, and thinking about Negan of all things wasn't ideal. He was no doubt on cloud nine at our interaction last night, and that alone pissed me off. All he had to think about now was his day to day in that cell. He could afford to do this. I couldn't. I had a community to look after. A daughter to take care of. I couldn't do this.

The sound of footsteps drowned out the ticking of the clock in the kitchen, making me swivel in the counter barstool. The smell of the breakfast and coffee I had made was heavy in the air, making my stomach growl as I looked to the owner of the footsteps.

Siddiq walked around the corner of the kitchen entrance, his hands rubbing the sleep from his tired eyes. A smile formed on his face when his eyes met mine.

"Morning. How'd you sleep?" He asked, his last words followed by a yawn. He rounded the kitchen island I was sat at, heading straight for the fresh pot of coffee I had brewed only minutes before his arrival.

"Normal. Shitty. You?" I replied as I brought my own mug towards me, wrapping my bandaged hands around the warm ceramic.  His back was to me as he poured his own cup, his shoulders slumping lightly at my reply.

"You doing okay? Do you need something to help you sleep better?" He offered, ignoring my question about his sleep and solely focusing on my reply. I chuckled lightly at his response. He was always so worried about me.

"No, no. I'm okay. I'm use to it. Just feel like I have too much on my mind all the time. I guess that's a perk of running this place." I shrugged as I brought the mug up to my mouth and took a sip. I didn't have the heart or the guts to tell him I couldn't sleep last night because of Negan. Even if I did, this was going to be taken to my grave. It was a one time thing. Just a little lapse in judgement on my end.

"Well, even if you lack sleep, you are still killing it." He smiled over the rim of his mug. I felt my cheeks heat up at the compliment but I shook my head, dismissing it.

"Thanks." I sighed, feeling the guilt of last night creeping up. I missed dinner. Siddiq took care of my daughter when I couldn't and even took care of me, and sometimes I didn't even give him the time of day. Maybe I was a bad person.