Submit to Me

23 - Sloane *

I feel so much better now that Aaron knows I restarted taking my antidepressants. I didn't want to hide it from him; I was hoping to take them when needed, but after seeing how proud and happy he had been with me while I was on the meds, I told myself I needed to continue taking them.

Since he noticed the difference in me and questioned me on my sudden change in mood, I couldn't hide it from him anymore. He needed to know.

Even though the meds help balance the chemicals in my brain, improving my mood and making me feel more content, happy, less depressed, and less irritable, I can now sleep better. But they increase my appetite, and I hate that. I feel like I'm constantly hungry while on the medication. And I don't want to gain any more weight—I've gained enough since the accident.

Hopefully, I can quit taking them altogether soon. I purposely went as long as I did without taking what I was told I needed, hoping my depression would go away on its own. And I really thought it would after Aaron forgave me and said he wanted to give me a second chance, and I for sure thought it would disappear after he said he wanted us to take our friendship to the next level as fast as he did, but it didn't.

All it did was worsen my thoughts because of the fear he put in my mind about walking away from our relationship if I refused to accept what he was trying to do for me. I longed for him for twenty years, and that's the last thing I want to happen after finally getting what I've wanted for years.

I wanted to and tried to do what Aaron wanted me to do. Like believe him whenever he told me I was gorgeous, my curves were perfect, that I was more beautiful now than ever before, and everything else he tried getting me to acknowledge.

Only, I couldn't do what he wanted. My mind was fighting all the beliefs he instilled into me.

Then, he brought me to the club, and that's when I knew I needed to do something to change. I enjoyed what I saw—more so, my body relished it. Seeing the area on the top floor and how the doms were punishing their subs made me think more about what I needed in life to change. It helped me believe discipline and punishment were exactly what I needed to get me out of the funk I'd been living in for years.

Subsequently, after visiting Trent, the talk we had, and how he suggested I listen to Aaron and allow him to use bondage tactics on me, discipline, and punishment—exactly what Aaron had been urging and suggesting I needed, I decided to have Aaron to try it on me. And my God, Aaron, and Trent were right. Everything they claimed would happen did—it helped open my eyes and mind even more.

Granted, Aaron claimed the punishment he did was pretty mild since he wasn't sure how well I'd take or react to what I asked him to do to me. But the little he did helped me see things I wasn't allowing myself to see. And now I'm anticipating him punishing me again. Hopefully, he'll push and test my limits even more than the last time the next time he punishes me.

A little over a week ago, as much as I knew it would hurt, I pushed myself to be with Aaron and go into the room with him while Eloise gave birth to her son. I'll admit it was hard. It immediately brought me back to when I gave birth to my daughter and son. I wanted to cry after remembering what I did.

Boy, did I ever want to break down, but because I was testing myself and my limits and wanted Aaron to be proud of me for witnessing something so beautiful with him beside me, I pushed myself to get through that difficult moment.

It warmed and melted me when I observed Aaron holding Everett. It was such a beautiful moment watching him have him close to his heart as he held him, studied his features, slid his finger into his tiny little hand, and looked for Everett to squeeze it. How Aaron smiled, the entire time he gazed at the newly born child made me feel like I was in heaven.