Submit to Me

31 - Sloane *

It's been four weeks since I did something I never thought I'd do. Have sex with Aaron in front of a large audience-and the one who tried ruining me-Chloe-purposely. To rub in who was finally mine and who she'll never have. And since that crazy night, I've felt the greatest I've ever felt.

I feel like me, like the girl I used to be before my so-called friends ruined my reputation and relationship with Aaron. And that makes me proud.

So much so that because I hated that version of me, I know I will do everything in my power never to go back to the depressed person I was.

Now, as I sit here, biting my pen while looking over the list of goals Shayla had me come up with and work on, ensuring I've done everything on my list, I smile at the goals I've accomplished.

1: Become more in touch with my emotions and thoughts and learn how to regulate them... Check. Anytime I feel a sad emotion or bad thought emerging, I immediately talk to Aaron and Shayla about it. And if they're unavailable, I listen to uplifting music. And I'll clean.

2: Become more communicative with my family, including Aaron... Check. I call my parents daily and talk to Aaron about everything on my mind.

3: Learn to be more aware of the current moments and stop focusing on the past-focus on the future... Check. I've been enjoying the current moments and loving how my life has moved forward far more than in the past, which I no longer want any part of.

4: Learn how to handle my emotions in stressful or difficult situations... Check. I think I've done well in that department. Especially when Chloe cornered me in the restroom, shocking me that she was at the club and showing her, I'll never allow her to take me down ever again.

5: Learn my needs and how to get them met while setting boundaries for myself... Check. Aaron helped me accomplish this goal; he immediately cared for anything I needed, giving me everything.

6: Be open, accepting, and loving toward myself... Check. As much as I've hated my appearance. I've learned to love myself for who I am, my scars, and my body image. Hating who I was got me nowhere. All it did was drag me further into hell.

7: Keep me busy to help me stop thinking about the past and the issues that started my depression, including the issues that were added while I was already in depression... Check. I'm over it. My past will never be changed. The only thing I can change is my future, and that's the only thing I want to continue working on-my life with Aaron.

8: Push myself to recognize the good and meaningful things about my day. Keep track of what I achieved that day and what was enjoyable... Check. I've done this daily, and I'm proud of myself for not having a day that had gone sour.

9: Stop allowing my inner voice to control my mind... Check. I learned to recognize and stop my inner voice from bringing me down.

10: Reward myself with my achievements for the day or week... Check. Not only have I rewarded myself for my accomplishments-but Aaron's rewarded me as well.

11: Keep myself busy by doing things I enjoy... Check. I returned to reading every day-something I used to enjoy but hadn't been able to do, as I couldn't concentrate on what I was trying to comprehend.

12: Listen to music-not depressing songs that'll remind me of the past, either... Check. All I listen to is music that makes me want to dance. And I do-especially while cleaning my house and Aaron's.

13: Spend more time with my family and Aaron. ( Since my parents are my only family left, and they're out of the country, I'll have to spend as much time with Aaron as possible until they return at the end of the year. I'd say to hang out more with my friends, but I don't have any anymore.) Sigh... Check. Since my parents are still out of the country, all my time is spent with Aaron. No complaint there.