Who You Love (Katy Perry/John Mayer Fanfiction)

Chapter Eighteen: Unconditionally

I thought the talk I had with Tamra I had in the hotel room when I was in Poland, would help.

Instead, I've been going in a downwards spiral. Unbeknownst to Tamra, of course. I made it my mission to make sure she didn't suspect anything, and to put on a brave face in front of her. In front of my whole team. God, even my friends and family.

I was battling my inner demons constantly. I hadn't eaten in days, whenever my team supplied my meals I would pretend to eat them, and as soon as they left the room, I would throw it out, hiding the evidence. I had lost an incredible amount of weight in such a short time, I could tell through the visibility of my cheekbones. My skin continued to turn an off-grey colour, and I looked more tired everyday.

My body was a replica of what I felt like on the inside. Broken. Hurt. Sad. Depressed. Lonely.
I had gotten so good at pretending that I was okay, and living in a fake fantasy I created around other people, that I could almost convince myself everything was okay. I would go through phases of actually feeling like myself, but they were minuscule in comparison to the deep depression I was in.

I knew my team were concerned about me, so I specifically put myself into super acting-mode when I was around anyone. It was ridiculous, and if I could watch myself do it, I wouldn't believe it at all. I don't know how my team fell for it, really. I didn't want anyone going out of their way to 'help' me. I'm a big girl, I can do this on my own.
I don't know how, but I will.

It seemed like my life was flashing right before my eyes. The days seemed to go quick, but staying the same. Sleep, show, cry until I fall asleep, repeat.

I did, however, manage to bargain with my creative team after talking to Tamra, and successfully managed to pull songs from the set list, which they usually wouldn't allow. It got harder and harder to sing the acoustic section of my show the more time passed, and I found myself nearly breaking down into tears each time. I wanted my fans to only see the professional 'Katy Perry' side of me... I just couldn't imagine the possibility of them knowing I wasn't okay, it wasn't fair on them, and it definitely wasn't fair on me. I had creative control over the set list, and though I knew my KatyCats would notice indefinitely, I could and would change the songs I would sing for every show, depending on my level of depression that day.

It was a small gesture, but it meant a hell of a lot. I didn't want to let my personal problems effect my professional life, and if changing the songs around meant that it would allow them to stay separate, so be it.

I had most definitely made an effort to post on social media, documenting things I was doing, and the places and people I was seeing. I didn't want anyone to clue on, and by posting photos of this faux life I currently created for myself, it meant that I could be left alone.

I mostly went to museums alone during the day, with the exception of Tamra by my side. It was getting harder and harder to put on this act in her retrograde, and I wasn't too sure on how long it would be before I cracked and all my lies came back to bite me in the ass.

Regardless, it was a good distraction from my thoughts during the days anyway, and I enjoyed admiring the art in the beautiful countries. I definitely didn't take my life and the amazing things I got to do for granted, but at the end of the day, I'm only a human being. I experience and feel the same way as everyone else, but no one seems to understand that, which only makes it that much harder.

I finally tore myself out of bed, the cool air of the room instantly meeting my bare legs, sending me into goosebumps. I threw a pair of booty shorts on and a baggy shirt, before walking out of the bedroom and into the kitchen of the suite. I really missed the feel of my home, but I was so used to touring and adjusting to hotel suites that it didn't bother me as much anymore. It had been good timing that the European leg of the Prismatic World Tour was immediately after the incidents that happened with John. It meant I didn't have to be in Los Angeles and run the chances of seeing him.