Who You Love (Katy Perry/John Mayer Fanfiction)

Chapter Seventeen: Smile, Though Your Heart Is Aching

Katy's POV:

"We're here," Tamra said, smiling at me sympathetically. I couldn't bring myself to smile back, even if I wanted to, I just couldn't.

I got up from my position on the plane, where I had been drifting in and out of sleep for the past two and a half hours.

We had just arrived in Kraków, Poland, where I had a show tonight. I'd arrived in Europe just over two weeks ago, to continue my Prismatic World Tour. I had flown out a week earlier than scheduled... I couldn't bear to be in Los Angeles one second longer than I had to, I just needed to get away.

I thought running away from my problems would somehow help, but they only seemed to catch up on me.
I am now only battling myself.

I have barely said a single word to my team since arriving here weeks ago, instead opting for headphones in my ears, sunglasses over my face and wearing tracksuits. I just didn't care anymore, and there was nothing that anyone could do about it.

It amazed me how I could continue to do shows as if not a single thing in my personal life had been effected.
I guess I learnt my lesson from the California Dreams Tour, when I was dealing with the divorce.

I hadn't cried as much as I usually would... I only found myself battling a form of depression, which just seemed to be getting worse and worse. I could conceal all of my emotions when I had to show my professional side, but as soon as I was out of the limelight I would go to my hotel and spend the rest of the night crying. It was just how it is.

Dark circles had formed under my eyes, and my skin had flushed an odd colour. I felt drained, like my body had suddenly become so much heavier. Moving from one place to another was more exhausting than usual... And everything was sore, like I had done a workout.

Everyone on my team was especially cautious around me, and didn't bother to ask questions. I got the occasional 'How are you doing? Is everything alright?' But I was much too good at playing this game now. I could smack a smile on my face in the worst of situations... That's just how I was, and how I had taught myself to be. I had a career and a reputation to uphold, and I knew I couldn't let any of my Katycats down. In a perfect world, none of this would have happened and even if it did, I would've cancelled the tour.
But this is reality, and I had to do what I had to do.

The shows were tedious, and exhausting. I didn't get the same adrenaline rush I did in the previous shows in other continents. I was very good at pretending, but I didn't feel that show high. I felt awful, like I wished I could've told myself to get over it. It was just getting so unbearably hard.

The worst, out of everything that had happened, was the fact I had to pretend that everything was okay. John and I had literally announced that we were back together the night before everything fell apart. Barely over 24 hours later, and we were separated. I couldn't announce that, how bad would that make the both of us look? I didn't and couldn't let the media get ahold of this situation... It would ruin us probably even more so than we already are. So I smacked a smile on my face and answered questions about our relationship, as if everything smelt like roses. Pretending that we were still together... That everything was okay. I could feel tears forming in my eyes and a lump in my throat every time I heard his name, but it took everything in me to protect the both of us.

I don't even know why I bothered. We were well and truly over. I felt like an idiot for letting myself go back to him, when all that would happen was this shit, over and over. My heart felt like it had no life to it anymore. I had fallen in love with him again, probably more so than the previous times we had been together. I was convinced we were going to work everything out, and we would spend the rest of our lives together.