Crossing paths

Regret

I decided I should stay home for the week. Let the situation be forgotten, or at least to not be all fresh for everyone.

Or maybe I was just scared to go back. I explained everything to my parents. They laughed it out, saying that this is just the way kids are. But I could see them worry the slightest when saying that. I knew they are actually worried sick, about what will happen to me.

The worst case scenario was to get me away from them and never be with them again. But I shouldn't be thinking such stuff. Not right now, when nothing has been decided. It's been three days now but no one called to check on me.

Maybe, at the end I will be able to slide off of it with a bunch of detentions after school, but that's the best way things could turn out.

All I wanted was to take a break, a much needed break, from all of this. That whole fiasco was still fresh in my mind, and everything about it, overwhelming me.

...

Two more days passed. I finally felt more at ease. I'm ready for any punishment they'll consider giving me. I really didn't care anymore. If I got expelled, it would be for the better. That's how it'll be destined to be.

"Bye mom!" I said to mom, making my way out of my house.

I had to go grocery shopping. Mom ran out of products for dinner. We decided on doing tonkatsu for dinner.

It's a bit chilly outside. It was early, but it was already dark outside. Just me, the road and the lights. When I passed a street light, it made me see my shadow, down the road, in front of me. Then it disappeared again.

I found calming the company of my shadow. The shadow appeared every once and then to accompany me, right when I felt lonely, scared of the dark. I would walk for so long in the unlighted darkness, but at the end, in the distance, there was always a street lamp.
It brought hope. A little hope. That even the darkest streets would have a streetlight at the end. That will light your way, lead you. It will even give you a friend.

Your shadow. She was the opposite of you. Your shadow was tired of being in the light, everyone saw her, standing and searching. Searching for a place she would feel at ease. Like the darkness. She would always be standing on the end of the lighted areas, trying to figure out a way to escape.

Just like that, lost in thought, I was at the grocery store in no time.

I took a shopping basket. Yeah, I'm a shopping basket person, more than a cart one. I always felt the carts, taking up more space, winning you more attention at you. I've spent my whole life trying not to be noticed. Guess I finally failed. I always did so good. I was a nobody. Now I understand why I liked it.

...

A few more days went by, when one morning I woke up to the sound of a notification. And more like an email.

I checked my laptop and turns out it was really an email. I somehow knew what's about to come from this moment on.

Yep, figured as much. I knew it. It was an email from my school. But what's more worrying was the content of it. It said that I needed to visit the school councile meeting to discuss the case that occurred in the previous week.

I'm not gonna lie. I feel bad. Not bad, because I slapped the bitch out of the jerk. That's probably the only thing, all this was worthy for. However I'm sad that just as soon as this dream started, it had to appear it was a nightmare, I have to wake up from and end as soon as I could. That's what makes me feel bad. But however, in any case, I can't stay in this nightmare any longer.

I told my parents about it. They didn't say much about it, though it was obvious they took it to heart. That's another thing that I feel sorry for. For disappointing them. The only people that believe in me and were with me until the very last moment. I'm sorry dear parents. I've always loved you and you didn't deserve such a failure of a daughter.

We had breakfast. This time it was silent. There were no dad's joke, no giggles from mom and no sweet smiles directed at me. The atmosphere was dull. It's the worst feeling ever.

After I had breakfast, not that I had the appetite to even eat a little, I returned to my room.

I'll miss those brand new workbooks, that I even didn't have the chance to open and study from. I'll miss the beautiful covers of my notebooks, that I didn't get to open and write in. I'll miss my gently prepared pens and pencils, that I didn't get the chance to write with.

The fact that I'm gonna wear my beautifully handmade uniform, for the last time tomorrow to get expelled with, made me upset. It made me upset that I won't be able to feel the silk fabric of my elegantly sewed uniform. It made me upset that when I get to look at myself at the mirror I won't be able to see me with that uniform in.

And what made tears fall from my eyes was the fact that from tomorrow on, I will never get to see the beautiful building ever again. And not being able to go in it. Walk in those corridors that seemed to have no end. The golden staircase that I won't be able to feel the cold touch of. The full-loaded homeroom with any kind of books and school essentials.

I regret it. I regret hitting the spoiled kid. I regret letting my emotions control me, when before I never once felt any emotion, let alone control over my rational thoughts. But I'm fine. I said to myself, crying and can't stopping the warm teardrops from falling down my bedsheet, while squeezing my pillows.

I'm fine. It will be fine.