The past that broke me

Chapter 11

⭐️ - Tessa's point of view - ⭐️

Is see he's been day dreaming the first couple minutes of the movie I look at him and smile a bit he's so sweet and looks amazing I never knew what love is but now I know what the definition of love is. " you okay Hardin" I look at him and smile a little I see our faces getting closer and feel his soft lips on mine. I pull back fast not in shock or scared but I didn't expected it he wants to say something but I stop him by pressing my lips on his again.

I feel him pulling me on his hips without breaking the kiss I never been so close with a guy before I always was too scared thinking that every guy will be like my stepdad but Hardin he's different. He's caring and sweet and why am I thinking about this when I kiss him.

I feel his hands on my back and the kiss gets a little bit rougher he pulls back and looks at me I feel his hand on my neck and pull me closer so he can kiss me again I feel his hands move towards my butt I shake my head lightly but he doesn't stop i pull back and stand up quick I look at Hardin and shake my head and walk as fast as I can towards the guest room and lock it " Tess I'm so sorry I wasn't thinking I would never hurt you this way".

I feel the tears stream down my face why can't I be normal why am I like this. I Walk towards his desk and open the drawer and take the blade out I had it hidden in here I always have it with my. I slide down against the wall and take the blade and put it into my skin it's al my fault I'm the reason my stepdad raped my it's my fault all of it. I don't deserve to be happy and now I lost him too.

I feel the burning pain on my arms and breath slowly in and out to handle it I throw the blade away I'm so angry so sad I don't know what to do anymore I feel my breath getting faster and faster until I start to scream I hear Hardin knock on the door and try to get in. I put my sleeve down and cry like I never did before.

I start to breath heavier and heavier and my sight is becoming blurry I hear the door open like Hardin broke it open I see a shadow kneeling down in front of me " Tess it's okay hey Tess " I feel him shaking me " breath in breath out Tess look at me okay " I look at him and see him breathing and try to copy it after a while I'm feel my breath become normal again I feel his hands on my knees " you okay Tessa " I look at him and I feel him pulling me up and hug me " I'm so so sorry Tessa " I start to cry slowly.

" im so sorry Tessa I was going to far I'm so sorry " I feel pulling back and take  my wrist I pull my arms back before he could see it I stand up I just can't do this right now I take fast my jacket and run outside and leaving Hardin alone in his room I walk towards the train rails and sit down. I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket and see that I already had 10 missed calls from Hardin I shake my head why can't I just be normal I feel In my pocket and take my pack of cigarettes.

I take a cigarette and light it on was is the smartest decision to walk away I don't know do I feel anything no not really is it fair for Hardin how I reacted I shake my head it wasn't, I just don't want to feel anything anymore. I lay down on the grass and stare at the sky I take another cigarette when did I begin to smoke I know it because of my ex he took me to a big field and we were laying and he asked me if I wanted to try so I did.

I remember before  I came to this family I was in an other family but his wife died of cancer and in that period when she was fighting for her live i was smoking weed and drinking outside with my ex until he found out and broke all contact between us and honestly I was so happy and now I'm here laying in the grass with a cigarette in my hand looking at the sky.

I feel my phone buzzing again in my pocket I take it and answer it " Tessa" I hear a relief sigh on the other side of the phone " omg I was so scared something happened where are you Tessa" I still look at the sky and take a third cigarette " I'm at the train rails beside your house " " I'm coming please stay there " I light up the cigarette how am I gonna love him if I'm afraid to kiss him am I even getting over this past am I strong for that?

I smile lightly I really love him I fell in love with him I fell so madly in love with him am I over winning my past or is it gonna make it worse we will found out but now I wanna try it with him.