Vent Book ➳☙

I actually tried this time

I actually tried making an effort today. At school, at home, trying to actually do something. But fucking nothing. I still can't find motivation to do barely anything, and it's getting tiring. That all I do is wake up, go to school, become a pain in the ass for everyone in my class and my teachers and at home or something, get home and do nothing.  That's what I do. Right now, my life revolves around my friends and my phone. Top priority is friends tho. Can't live without them. Love them all.

Interacting with people that I enjoy talking to and spending time with has become an all-time favorite for me. I don't wanna do anything else.

I think the fact I find lots of things in my ordinary life as in doing school work boring, is probably because I felt like before I lost my motivation, it was all tiring and boring for everything to be so normal so I just let go of everything. Now I've fucked up bad in a lot of places, but now that the motivation is gone It's nearly impossible to get it back. So I'm kinda stuck here rn.

I ignore my problems and the bad things, as I only wish to be happy. I'm basically addicted to the happy chemicals my brain produces. It's probably what's keeping me from bursting into tears every few minutes. If I don't ignore my problems and the bad thoughts, they'll all come into my head all at once, and It feels like I'll just collapse.

I also think this will lead to my downfall in some way, and I'll probably soon face the consequences of being an ignorant little shit. But it actually doesn't bother me. I'm living right fucking now, yesterday isn't important as it has already happened, and I can't change it. Tomorrow isn't now, so why worry about the next few seconds? Thinking like this is both enjoyable and excruciating for me, as I can't get anything done but since I prefer to live in the moment, I've had some pretty good times. But I often wonder why I work like this. I often forget things, and I fuck up because of that. I forget that thing I said to that snarky hoe a while ago and when I try and talk to them they get all upset.

I'm happy with my life. It's just that it's this huge rollercoaster from six flags or something. I love the fun drops but they're over in a second. Me being happy and ignorant feels like a drug. And I'm fucking overdosing.

Bye 😍❤️

(I'm working on my all stories btw, I'm not ignoring them ☺️)