Vent Book ➳☙

Haha I'm so tired

I'm fucking tired of who I am. I just can't. I always stick up for my friends and I'm kind to the people in struggle, but the fuck do those people do in return? It's the ones that truly treat me the way I treat others I can't return the favor to.

I keep relapsing into this rollercoaster of "I hate myself" "I'm right" "I'm wrong" "I love life" "I hate everything"

It's tiring when I get frustrated by the most little things. One thing goes wrong, and the way someone walks makes it a hundred times worse. I sometimes find it so frustrating I start crying, and then I start to hate everything and nothing that happens is good.

Kinda wanna bang my head into a wall. 'Cause the fuck is common sense and where'd it come from?

At times I want to starve, and I feel sick when I have food in front of me, but then 20 minutes later I binge eat like my life depended on it.

I want it to stop. I'm going through a huge depressive episode rn and I can't find the motivation to do anything. When I'm at my worst I hide it and then I'm asked to be social, and go through challenging situations, which I feel unable to do due to my mental health but I push through it anyways. I can't complain, if I do I'm just gonna come off as lazy and just want to sit around all day.

Every time at night, 1-3AM ish, I feel like I'm trapped in a void of nothingness, my mind returning to where I used to be. My home. At home. When I was little. It brings back so many memories and it urges me to cry.

I always reflect on who I used to be, and I hate myself for it. I've gone through character development but my mental health was taken to rock bottom.

I really don't want to open up to my parents because it's hard to explain, and they would assume things. They would ask so much. I know it is so they understand but it makes it so overwhelming.

I keep on thinking "I'm so low already, why not make it worse, it doesn't matter." And I end up becoming worse and worse.

The body dysphoria and dysmorphia I'm going through at the moment is just killing me. I don't know what I want to be. I don't know what I am anymore, only a little irresponsible bitch.

I act on impulse and I ruin things. I hurt people. My weak apologies are stupid and I'm not even sure they forgive me at times.

Why do I have to be so dumb??? I act like I'm smarter but I suck at fucking multiplication. It's so surprising how people my age are so smart and I'm so far behind. Time flies for me and I never realize how far behind I am.

Anyways, thanks for listening. First time I've got my actual thoughts out of my head and not some shitty version of them.