Echoes of the Heart

Bottles

I tried to disappear over the next few weeks, I avoid everyone and everything. I walked with Kaley to school but didn't say much, I saw Issac a few times after school but didn't say much to him either. My mom and Ted were on again then off again. I wanted to be numb to it all. It got to a bad point.

My mom got drunk one night and started telling me how worthless I was, and how ugly I was. How I would never compare to her in her youth because she modeled. She told me I was overweight and needed to diet and stop eating, how a size 5 was too big. She proceeded to throw diet pills at me. She usually acted like this when she was upset. Last time she was on a drunken bender she forced a Xanax down my mouth and then called the cops when I bit her. Her boyfriend at the time while her and Ted were on a break sat there trying to get her to stop, but he was a paraplegic. He kept telling me he was sorry, but it didn't fix my mom. I stayed with her because she cried to my dad and the cops enough that they let me go with her. I tried to bring up that my dad had custody of us since 2009 because or their divorce but they didn't care since my dad didn't bring it up. It was all I could to hope for help, and nothing.

So this time around, I decided to numb myself with as much alcohol as I could muster without throwing up. Then I took a few pills I couldn't remember what they were, that Issac had given me.

It drowned out the sound until she fell asleep. Uncaring of the effect of her words and uncaring to the hurt she caused. Most of my demons had her voice. It was getting crowded in there too.

I couldn't sleep, I was out of alcohol and the voices kept pestering me. Worthless, fat, diet, useless, bitch, whore, ugly, disgrace, your fault. I was in agony internally, wanting the pain to stop, wanting it all to stop. I had a headache from the demons screeching at, reminding me of all my faults and mistakes. It hurt, my scars on my wrist hurt. I stared at myself in the mirror, I was saddened by my own image. I had no nothing, I was useless and a disgrace and I felt it truly then. I felt every sting of her words. I starred at myself then looked to the bottles of diet pills my mom left for me on the counter. She didn't buy groceries, just these. Message received mommy dearest. I found a half empty glass of her wine and used it to take every pill I could find.

I just needed it to stop. I didn't care if I wouldn't work. I hadn't thought that far ahead. I just needed to be done. I was through with it all. I took them all and laid myself down in bed. I had thought about leaving a note but I had nothing to tell anyone. Nothing worth saying. I wouldn't be missed, my disappearance wouldn't even be recognized.

My vision started to blacken and my mind stopped. It all stopped. It was dark and quiet and it was nothingness. Finally. It was done.

Suddenly I feel myself being shaken awake. I struggle to open my eyes and I see my mom, she doesn't look worried she looked angry. She noticed what I did and is yelling about how I couldn't even manage that right.

She forces me to go to work with her so she can keep an eye on me. About 3 hours into her shift I started to vomit nonstop for almost the whole day. I feel terrible. It didn't work. Maybe I was stupid for thinking I could escape it all.

That night after work mom left to go with Ted they weren't back on but she couldn't stand to look at me. I just decided to sleep anyway. I was exhausted. School was tomorrow. To top it off, it was now homecoming week.

Great.