DEJA VU | OSCAR DÍAZ

|PREFACE|

Sometimes I think pain is just a lack of understanding

If we could only understand it all, would we feel no pain?

God must feel no pain

Only joy

Does this mean even our suffering pleases him?

|OSCAR|
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Saturday
June 15th, 2011
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"But it's a girls party!" Cesar kicked the back of dads seat as we sat in the car, and Mom turned around to laugh at him. "Come on, you don't want to see your cousins? Plus Jamal will be there."

Cesar rolled his eyes and threw his head back, then turned to glare at Eddie "you can't come play with me and Jamal." Eddie's eyes filled with tears as he reached up to tap on Mom's shoulder "Thethar thaid I can't play with him!"

I let out a loud laugh as I listened to my brother struggle to say pretty much anything without his top four front teeth, Eddie turned to me and his face scrunched up more tears came out followed by the loudest high pitched cry "Othcarth laughing at me! Tell Othcar to thtop!"

I let out another loud laugh and that only made him cry harder, "Edgar please shut the fuck up." Dad said as he rubbed his forehead and Mom hit Dad's arm, "Don't talk to him like that Rafael."

Dad shrugged as he pointed his hand at Edgar, "what? He's fucking annoying he's getting on everyone's fucking nerve. He keeps whining no one wants to hear that shit, and you keep babying him that's why he does it!"

Cesar pinched Edgar then socked him in the arm as Mom and Dad argued, I hated when they did this.

Dad is never home anymore, and when he is they fight the entire time. The only time they don't fight is when Mom is drinking but then they fight about that too.

They fight about Dad going to jail, and Mom drinks more when Dad is gone. But fights with him when he's home, and sometimes those fights put him in jail because the neighbors call the police- then she drinks more and more.

But I'm not supposed to talk about that, dad said if I talk about that they'll take me and my brothers away.

"See look- you're the reason they're gonna break up again, then dads going to go back to jail and we're not gonna have a dad again and it's all your fault." Cesar whispered to Edgar.

I shook my head at Cesar and hit his arm, "stop." I said and he groaned as he threw his head back again "I hate it here!" He yelled just as we pulled up to the park, "and I hate you thupid." He socked Edgar in the arm just before he opened the door and climbed over me to get out of the car.

"Hey!" I yelled as I checked the bag to make sure he didn't break the present, Cesar turned and laughed as he stuck his tongue out at me.

"Ay! Stop being bad before I beat your ass!" Dad yelled at Cesar who stopped taunting me and I let out a laugh as I stuck my tongue out at him then rolled my eyes when I saw Edgar standing next to me, "let me hold it." He said reaching for the bag and I just ignored him as I kept walking and sure enough he was crying again.

Cesar and Jamal were already crashing into each-other, Cesar was being more annoying than usual but it's probably because of Jamal's cousin Monse. He always acts funny whenever he knows Monse is coming around, which is weird because she's five.