DEJA VU | OSCAR DÍAZ

|1:BIG SMOKE|

Since a youngin' always dreamed of gettin' rich

Fantasize about a white picket fence

Used to want a pathfinder with some tints

Throw some 20's on that bitch and get it wrenched

But now I see
That the worlds a lot bigger ever since

I'm convinced
Anybody is a killer, all you gotta do is push 'em to
the limps

Fuck being timid in the Civic
Politicin' with the pushers and the pimps

I'm tryna write a story, can I get a glimpse?
Yeah, can I get a glimpse?

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|OSCAR|
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Friday
September 9th, 2014
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"I'm hungry." Eddie groaned from the backseat of the Impala, I sighed as I pulled money out of my pocket "one two- eight bucks." I glanced at Cesar and he let out a huff then sunk back in his seat, "looks like we're not eating again today."

I rubbed my head before pressing it to the glass of the impala, "why don't I take you guys to Jamal's you can get something to eat there." I said and Eddie jumped up happily but Cesar shook his head "what about you?"

I smiled at him as I shoved his arm, "don't worry about me I'll be straight." He gave me a dirty look, it seemed like that's all Cesar ever wore was a dirty look "no you fuckin' won't. You can't just keep dropping us off at Jamal's or Ruby's whenever we're hungry or don't want to sleep in Dad's Impala!"

He hit the dashboard and tears started rolling down his face, "we shouldn't have to stay in this car, and we shouldn't have to go to my friends houses! You shouldn't have to take care of us, mom and dad are supposed to do that! This is wrong all of it is fucking wrong!"

He kicked the dashboard and I grabbed his leg to make him stop, "it's okay I'm okay with taking care of you guys." I brushed a hand through his hair and he shoved my hand off, "I'm not okay with it you don't even go to school Oscar. That's not normal you're supposed to be in school! Mario is a freshman now and you're supposed to be with him."

I laughed as I wiped his tears, "I hated school anyways." Cesar groaned and shoved me, "you loved school you love math- weirdo."

I laughed again but he didn't, "you're gonna end up a Santo like Chuey aren't you? He's in Juvie again. You're gonna end up in Juvie too and then what am I gonna do? What's Eddie gonna do?" His voice cracked as he pointed at our baby brother in the back.

I glanced at Eddie who was staring at us both innocently, I was glad he still had that stare. I don't remember having it, and I don't think Cesar ever did either.

But Eddie's nine, and I just want him to be nine. When I was nine, I was already picking mom up off the floor and cleaning her throw up when she got too drunk to function because dad was locked up again.

I used to be relieved when he came back because she'd be functional- on the outside looking in she seemed okay but always knew it would be short lived.

I just never thought she'd disappear and leave us all alone, she was an alcoholic but she'd get up and go to work. She would pay the bills, she'd remember to feed us and take us to school then she didn't go to work, she didn't pay the bills, she forgot to feed us and never took us to school.