Glimpse of Yesterday

Chapter 21

Chapter 21

She hugged me in such a tight manner and rubbed my back.

“It’s okay. You’re now fine.” She sighed.

I hugged her back and sobbed.

“He even. . . shot the gu-gun on her hands to stop her from protecting herself.” I cried.

“He can’t do that again. Don’t worry. Calm down, sweetie.”

“She. . . she kept on begging not to do it in front of me but he. . . he continued mercilessly like I wasn’t watching. Even. . . even when I was closing my eyes, mom’s shouts and begs and his. . . gro-groan and moan kept on hunting me. It was all in my mind every time my episode happen as if I-I was there again.” I almost cannot breathe with what I just uttered as I sob.

“Calm breathing. Do the calm breathing.” She rubbed my back.

I nodded and cried and cried and she was there, patiently listening to me.

And ever since then. . . I have always seen kissing and sex as a form of abuse towards woman.

Mom’s sob. I know she’s in pain while he’s kissing and doing that thing to her. It gave me guilt and shame with the thought that I wasn’t able to protect her against dad, because instead, I became a coward.

That’s why she left me after being in the hospital to treat her wounded hands.

Because she hated me for not protecting her.

“It’s not your fault, Alessia. Remember that your dad was the one who shot the gun not you. You have no sin, okay?” She gently said and rubbed my hand.

“But if—”

“No ifs. Your father is at fault. He was the one who did such a hideous act not you. Don’t blame yourself because you yourself is a mere kid back then.” She gave me a genuine smile.

I bit my lower lip and nodded.

“I advise you to everyday at least once a day, go to a mirror and repeat ‘It’s not my fault’ ten times or much better until you get tired. You have nothing to feel guilty of so don’t take the blame. I had a talk to your mother and she said that she wasn’t mad at you.”

My eyes widened.

“Mom?”

She pat my hands.

“Yes. She wasn’t mad neither  hated you because the fact is. . . she was ashamed of showing herself in front of the daughter she had left so don’t blame yourself.”

I gulped at that thought.

“It would be best if you have enough exposure with those of the things you have fear of in order to transmit the negative thoughts into positive one, with a thought that it wasn’t bad at all.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Desensitization, sweetie.”

I avoided my gaze and blushed for no reason.

Shit that desensitization.

She let out a low chuckle.

“Well, I presume Grayson had done that a thousand times. Am I right?”

“I don’t know.” I pretended not to know.

“Do you feel any changes?”

I gulped.

She stood so I followed her gaze. She went near her desk and grabbed her laptop and then hoofed her way again back to me.

“Watch this.” She said while her eyes were on the laptop.