Spotlight ☆ | minsung

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"No, Min. You're not sure about it." even if it had taken Jisung a second to answer because he had been too busy contemplating the idea of his boyfriend under him, more wrecked than how he actually got every time they had sex and then probably experiencing the back pain Jisung had to go through after the fun part was over; he shook the idea out of his head and denied.

He knew Minho was extremely unsure and scared, even if he would trust Jisung with his life. The older wasn't completely comfortable around the idea of being gay yet. Yes, he accepted it as a part of himself he couldn't deny anymore and he loved Jisung so much that he couldn't stay away from him for too much time and he showed it.

But he equally showed how nervous he got whenever they held hands or went as far as kissing when there were people around, or how shy he got every time they tried something new during sex, and how tense Minho became when they hung out at his place, probably scared that his father could find out everything and give him a hard time. Jisung saw how his boyfriend always blushed and tried to change the topic- at first going as far as to leave the room -when sexuality was mentioned among their friends.

Minho was taking baby steps towards being himself fully and try new things without feeling utter panic rise up his throat, and Jisung wasn't going to be on top if his boyfriend wasn't completely comfortable with it. He had made that decision the first time they slept together.

"But you want to, Ji." Minho's eyes were scanning Jisung's every movement, Jisung's every reaction.

The younger sighed and walked back to sit next to his boyfriend, peppering his face in kisses. "It doesn't matter that I want to do it, because you clearly don't and that's okay. I won't push you, babe." he spoke, his voice sweet.

However, Minho's hands clutched Jisung's where he had them rested against the older's cheeks.

"I'm sorry..." whispered Minho, tears welling up easily in his eyes. Why was he so emotional today?

He felt yet again how he didn't deserve anything he had. He didn't deserve Felix and how safe the boy made him feel, he didn't deserve Jisung and how much his boyfriend loved him, he didn't deserve his friends and how understanding they were, happy to cheer him up whenever he needed it.

He just didn't deserve to be happy, and the thought that had been getting progressively louder in the back of his head the past few days, the one that had urged him to come back to this old house in hopes that it would die down if he distracted himself with something new, was echoing through his mind once again.

It happened. Not usually, but it way too often for Minho's liking. He would be happy one moment and the next minute he would want to cry because he didn't deserve it.

The scar of his past had left a mark on his present too big to ignore or forget, it always came back crashing him unexpectedly and it left Minho feeling numb all over again, even if Jisung did help a lot just by being there and soothing his cries or kissing his forehead.

"Why are you crying?" the brunette's soft voice reached Minho's ears and got him partly out of his screaming mind. Oh, how easy it was for everything to start crumbling down in that messed up head.

And Jisung knew without words needed everything that was happening, because he always knew.

But Minho still explained because he knew he couldn't hide it from his boyfriend anymore no matter how hard he tried.

"It's happening again. I feel like I don't deserve anything I have and I don't know why I thought coming here with you would distract me but instead my head just got more messy. That's also why I agreed right away to...you know, that. Because my head keeps telling me that it'll be good to get my mind off things and that I'm a bad boyfriend, incapable of satisfying you, if I refuse."

Jisung took a moment to think, because it had been the first time Minho had verbally explained what was happening to him. All the other times he had called Jisung crying he had done so without telling what everything was about, but now he was actually voicing his feelings and confiding his thoughts to his boyfriend.

"Baby, you aren't a bad boyfriend for refusing. Sex is supposed to be fun and pleasuring for both of us, not just me, and I would never do something that you don't want." he reassured, and it really helped a little bit. Minho's mind calmed down slightly with the effect Jisung had on him always.

"Also don't ever say you don't deserve what you have, because you actually deserve much more. Minho, you deserve the world and the stars. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." with firm arms wrapped around his torso, the older did his best to believe his boyfriend's words.

Eventually, it worked. Minho stoped feeling that bad about himself momentarily, his worry now was the fact that it would come back all eventually.

Because it always came back.

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They were back at Jisung's apartment, greeted by Hyunjin's snores. The boy was sprawled out on one of the couches while miraculous ladybug played softly in the TV.

Best Christmas eve plan ever, honestly.

As the couple went inside, they closed the front door softly and walked, not wanting to make much noise. It was nearing four a.m and Jisung didn't want to face the consequences of waking his best friend up at such time.

"Should I carry him to his bed?" proposed Minho with a whisper.

"Nah, he'll be mad if we disturb him so lets just turn the TV off and go to my room. I wanna cuddle you and make sure you know how much I love you." Jisung's words made Minho's ears flush a soft shade of red that went unnoticed thanks to the room being lit up only by the dim lighting coming from Ladybug using her lucky charm.

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plot twist

i do love bottom Minho though, i wasn't lying there

✿~