Her Heart's Desire

HER HEART'S DESIRE 10

Tahimik akong nakasakay sa family car nila Crimson, him sitting atleast 12 inches away from me.

Our project was already done and by next week, we could finally present it.

"S-So," I started, lumingon naman siya sa akin. "Ime-memorize ko lang 'yung parts ko sa bahay. Rehearse tayo before the subject next week?" He nodded, walang imik.

An awkward silence fell upon us.

Napakagat ako sa labi ko, hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko.

"M-Mabait 'yung mga kuya mo 'no?" Sabi ko, nilingon ko siya at ngumiti.

He looked at me like I just said something weird.

After a pause, he spoke.

"Yeah, I guess." He shortly replied. Agad naman siyang nag-iwas ng tingin mula sa akin, turning to the side of his window.

"Hindi ka masyadong nagsasalita 'no?" I blurted, bago ko pa mapigilan ang sarili ko ay nasabi ko na ang nasa isip.

Natutop ko ang bibig sa gulat, kahit si Crimson ay mukhang nabigla din sa sinabi ko dahil napalingon ulit siya sa direksyon ko.

"Masasayang lang ang laway ko." sagot niya at iniwas na ulit ang tingin sa akin.

I could feel myself blush in embarrassment, nasa isip ko lang dapat 'yun eh.

I pursed my lips, nanahimik nalang din ako dahil mukhang wala na talagang balak magsalita 'tong kasama ko.

"I'll see you at school?" I prompted, looking at Crimson as he opened my side of the car door and helped me out the car.

"Yeah, of course." He said, at kung kumurap ako ay talagang hindi ko makikita ang pagsilay ng ngiti niya na tatlong segundo niya lang pinakita sa akin.

Natulala ako. My heart thumping loudly as my hand gently carressed my chest to calm it down.

'Mamamatay yata ako sa ngiti nito.'

Mukhang napansin naman ni Crimson ang ginagawa ko kaya't napatingin siya sa akin na may konting pag-aalala.

"Ayos ka lang?" I chuckled and waved his question off.

"Oo, ano ka ba? Hehe!" I replied, not wanting him to dig further. Ayaw kong malaman niyang may sakit ako, ayaw ko.

"I'll go ahead!" tinuro ko ang gate namin at naglakad na papasok, waving Crimson 'goodbye'.

"Okay," He replied and walked away. "I'll see you next week."

Hinintay ko munang mawala sa paningin ko ang sasakyan nila Crimson bago ako tumalon-talon sa tuwa at kilig.

"Nakapunta na 'ko sa bahay nila," Impit kong sigaw, abot hanggang tenga ang ngiti. "Tapos nakita ko pa mga kapatid niya." Tawa ko at hinawakan ang mga pisngi ko na alam kong namumula.

"Woi!" Napalingon ako sa boses na nagsalita, si manang pala.

"Ano ka bang bata ka? Huwag kang magtatalon-talon diyan, at iyang puso mo." Suway niya, napasimangot naman ako.

"Si manang naman, kinikilig pa ako dito eh." Manang rolled her eyes.

"Hay nako, apo. Aanhin mo 'yang pag-ibig kung masasaktan ka rin naman sa huli?" inabot niya sa akin ang inhaler ko na nahulog pala sa damo sa kakatalon ko.

"Magdi-dinner dito sila tito Damian mo kaya maligo ka na doon." I nodded, skipping my way to the house.

Pasalampak akong humiga sa malambot na kutson ng kama ko at tinawagan si Kathleen.

"Bruha ka. Ano?" bungad niya nang sinagot niya ang tawag ko.

"Nakabihis ka na? Dito daw kayo kakain eh, narinig ko si tito Damian kagabi." That's right, tito Damian is Kathleen's father and a very close friend of my dad.

Kaya kapag free ang schedules ng dalawa ay talagang nagpapahanda sila ng dinner. Depende nalang kung kaninong bahay, I guess it's ours this time.

"Malamang, ayaw akong tigilan ni Dad sa pagpapa-alala eh." I heard her sigh, making me laugh.

"Anyway, how's the project with Crimson?" she asked, I giggled like I was being tickled by a thousand butterflies. "It was good. Nakilala ko mga kuya niya." pagpahayag ko.

"Gwapo?" dagdag niya, tumango ako bago maalala na hindi niya pala iyon makikita. "Yup, oh! And I also saw Crimson's smile for the first time." I could still vividly see his smile in my mind, it felt like he was a whole different person when he smiles.

"Kilig ka naman? 'sus," by the tone of her voice, I knew she was rolling her eyes. "Basta ha, hindi naman sa against ako na magkagusto ka kasi given naman na 'yan. Ang akin lang—" I cut her off. "Bantayan ang puso ko, I know." I huffed, frowning.

"Vivienne." I could hear her sigh. "You know I'm not just talking about emotions." dagdag niya, halata sa boses niya na concern lamang siya at ang pag-aalala niya.

"It will also affect your physical health, Vivienne. Kung masobrahan ka sa saya, sa kaba, sa gulat, sa takot at kung ano-ano pa... Aba'y talagang sasabog iyang puso mo." naiinis na siya, I can feel it.

"I know, Kath. I'm being careful naman." depensa ko.

"You should be," sambit niya. "Ayaw ko lang na mawala ka agad-agad." silence, complete silence. Tama siya, I can't take all this like it's nothing.

"Besides, ano nalang ilalagay namin sa puntod mo? Cause of death, Kinilig. Gano'n?" napatawa naman ako sa hirit niya. The heavy tension of my sickness, evaporating into thin air.

"Sige na, prepare ka na diyan at pupunta na kami diyan maya-maya." After that, she hung up. Leaving me with my thoughts alone.

One thing about having a sick heart, you'll never know how long it'll take bago bumigay ang puso mo.

What if nagulat ka lang, aatake agad sakit mo?

What if sa sobrang saya mo, aatakihin puso mo?

What if dahil kinilig ka masyado, titigil ang puso mo? Literal.

With a sick heart, it's like you're walking on a very narrow road and one wrong move will lead you to fall to death.

You can't enjoy anything to the fullest when you're like me, not really. It's like I'm having only a tablespoon of ice cream while the other kids have the whole tub. Or getting to only ride the carousel while my classmates gets to experience much more fun and exciting rides. It's unfair. Really unfair. But hey, it's all about making the best of what you have, I suppose.

I sat up from laying down on my bed and walked my way to the bathroom to take a quick bath for the dinner tonight.