Hopelessly Hoping

Chapter 19

Still on my knees, I watched Michael walk away with loud thunderous footsteps. His frame tense and pace brisk. His pain and rejection evident in the way he slammed the door shut.

I sat back on the wet grass, with my back against the rock I was sitting on. I shook my head feeling disappointed on the inside. I had half expected Michael to turn back, to at least tell me to come back inside, to show his concern of the first time he came out, but nothing. I was left alone. 

What do I expect when I was the one who made him leave like that? Those four words, I love you too, has been on the tip of my tongue, but why couldn't I say it? What was holding it back? What was I afraid of? Nothing, has to be the answer to those three questions. I don't think that I have anything to be afraid of when he was the one to say it first. 

Love.

 Maybe it is the word itself that scared me. I was told that I was loved by the persons I held close to my heart, but ended up being hurt by them. It is the past, yes, but it takes time letting it go. To think of it, I am just like those people. Hurting the one they claim to love, just like I do time and time again with Michael. I am such a hypocrite.

 At a certain point in time, no matter what your attitude towards this emotion is, everyone wishes to be loved. No matter if you can see that someone loves you, it is just good to hear it too. I think that is what happened in this night. Michael can see I do feel that way about him, but he needed to hear it. He was scared and needed to be assured that I will always be here, and I couldn't even do just that.

He does not wish to fail me. Even in the dream he had where my death was out of his control, did he beat himself up for that. Why can't I be the same? Why do I have to fail him like this every time? Why can't I do anything right when it comes to him? I need to set things right. I cannot leave it like this. I don't want to risk losing him forever and if I do not go to him now, it will happen.

 After trying to figure out what to say when I do get to him, I got up from the ground and shook the blanket free from any wet leaves and grass clinging to it. I wrapped it tightly around me again and walked into the house. The lights were off except the one in the hallway that lighted everything up with a faint glow. My eyesight was a bit hazy and unfocused, but I still managed to find my way to Michael's room. I did a few seconds of breathing exercise to steady nerves, but it was not working. Okay so I am feeling okay. I'm just trying to pass time, because I do not know what to say just yet. Every passing second is a step closer to losing Michael. With this thought I entered his room, without a knock to alert him of my presence. I stopped two feet for his bed and looked at him. 

His curtains were not drawn, so the dim light of the moon shone on his face.

He lay silently with his broad back to me. His eyes open and unmoving. His hand gripping a part of his pillow in a fist. Okay, he was definitely upset and I am to blame. I swallowed the lump in my throat and shuffled from foot to foot. He knows that I am here, but refuses to acknowledge my presence.

I cleared my throat and saw him blink. At least I got a small reaction from him.

 I walked around to the the side which he was facing and carefully climbed onto the bed. He didn't move an inch so I moved forward. His hard gaze met mine then went back to where it was settled. I sighed lightly. An idea popped into my head and soon I found myself following it.

I crawl under the blanket he was lying under. He shifted his eyes to me as if questioning what I am doing. The hand he had in a fist, I took in mine. Of a simple touch, his heat spread through me, sending tingles down my spine. I felt nervousness as he looked directly into my eyes.

 "Michael" I said in a raspy voice. "I'm sorry." He looked at me with the same hard look. I felt uneasy because I know that an apology is not enough. I know what he wants to hear. I know what he needs to hear. The words are on the tip of my tongue, I just got to get it out.