Hopelessly Hoping

chapter eight

"I will not make the same mistakes that you did. I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery...I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard... I learned the hard way to never let it get that far..."

After the conversation I had with Shaylene, I went outside, looking for Cassidy. I heard someone singing in a soft voice. I listened to the voice, and followed it. I stopped in my tracks as soon as I realized that it was none other than Cassidy.

"Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you I learnned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me... Because of you I am afraid..."

I stood in awe as she sang every word with so much emotion, putting her true feelings out in the open. As she sang, I could hear the tears in her voice, but yet every note came out so strong.

"I lose my way, and it's not too long before you point it out. I cannot cryBecause I know it's weakness in your eyes. I'm forced to fake a smile. a laugh everyday of my life... My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with..."

Her crying became more evident in her voice, as it started wavering in sorrow. I wanted to walk up to her, to hold her, to make her know that whoever hurt her in the past won't come back to do it again, because I will be there to protect her, but I let her finish, knowing that she has to get all this negative emotions out of her.

"I watched you die, I heard you cry everynight in your sleep. I was so young, you shouldv'e known better than to lean on me! You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain... And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing!"

She now was standing, her hands clenched by her side, showing her anger. I want to unclench it, and stop her from hurting herself, but something kept me rooted to the spot. Why is she so afraid of this person? Who is it that hurt her like this? Why did he hurt her? The real question is, how did he hurt her?

"Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you I try my hardest to forget everything. Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in! Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty... Because of you I am afraid..."

I listened very carefully to the lyric she sang, every word, every note, was directed at one person, but I fail to know who it is. Her voice went from powerful to scared. I watched as she fell to her knees, grabbing a fist full of grass.

"Because of you..."

She looked up, singing the last line just above a whisper, and then hung her head low as it ended. Her shoulders shook violently as she cried. Quietly I made my way to her, fell on my knees behind her, and silently hugged her, allowing her to free herself from all pain.

"I hate him" She whispered to me.

"Who? Who do you hate?" I asked, softly, wanting answers so that I can make the bastard pay for doing this to her.

"H-he h-hurt m-me" she stuttered, bursting into tears again.

"Who hurt you, angel? Tell me who done this to you"

"I-I b-brought it u-upon my-myself, it's n-not his f-fault" She said,confusing me.

"I don't understand. Why are you blaming yourself for what happened?"

"Because I am to blame. I should've listened to him, if I did things would have never gone this far" she said, a sudden anger evident in her voice, not directed at me, but at herself.

" What do you mean that if you listened things would have not gone this far? please help me understand what you are going through so that you don't have to go through it alone" I said, hoping that she will explain it to me.

"I'm just so stupid, you know?" she said, shaking her head. "Why am I even still alive? I wish they would've killed me that night" she said, scaring me. Anger swelled in my veins, as she said this. Who the hell is they? What have they done to her?

"Do not speak like that" I said in a hard voice, making her flinch a bit.

"Why not? It's true! Dad even made sure to spell it out how useless I am" she said. As soon as she realized what she said, she froze, but shook it off, demanding me to let her go.

"Your father?" I asked making sure I heard correctly. Her dad did this to her?

"Let.me.go" She said through gritted teeth.

"Did he do this to you?" I asked, feeling a new found anger rushing through me.

"Michael I said let me go now!" She almost yelled at me, breaking lose from my grip. She ran into the house with me hot on her trail. She went into her room, and locked the door. Furiously, I banged on the door demanding for her to open it before I break it down, but she ignored me. "Leave me the hell alone!" she yelled, on he other side of the door.

"I won't go unless you tell me" I said, glaring at the door.

"Forcing her to tell you, won't make her, but it will only result in her pushing you away" I heard Shaylene say from behind me. I turned around, focusing my glare on her, causing her to raise her brows at me. "Let her tell you herself"

"And when the hell would that be?" I asked.

"When she is ready" I clicked my tongue at her response. "Wait till she is ready to open up to you. But first thinks first, work on just being a friend, show that she can trust you, don't force anything on her like you are doing now. Remember that everything takes time, so building up that would take time too. So, just be patient with her, okay?" she said, giving me a pointed look, then walked away.

I hated that what she is saying is right. All I want is for that girl on the other side of the door understand that I only want to be there for her, only want to help her. She promised me that she will give me a chance, but all she is doing is just shutting me out. Okay, so earlier we were making progress, she loosened up a bit around me, but now we are back to square one. Give her time, a voice in my head said. So, I decided to do just that.

I walked away from her door, and went to the kitchen. I made a cup of hot chocolate, got a piece of paper and a black, and wrote I'm sorry

Cassidy's P.O.V

I'm sorry

I read the note over and over again. I'm such a female dog, I thought to myself. All the guy wants is to be there for me, and I want that too, but my reaction is always the opposite, everytime it's just me pushing him away. Earlier when I was thinking about the guy that ruined my life, out in the garden, that song just came to mind. I meant every word, I sang. I knew that Michael was listening, but I fought with myself to keep on singing. It was my way of opening up to him, my way of trying to make him understand how I'm feeling, how afraid and hurt I am. He understood a little, I know he did. But then I ruined it, by letting the word dad slip. He started putting the pieces together so I had to get away from him. I don't want him finding out about it, it would hurt too much telling the story. I don't want him to judge me. I don't want him rejecting me...