A Collision of Hearts and Heroes

Chapter 17

Clarissa's POV

Rain

The universe really knows how to play with someone's life. Because look at what happened to me. Back then, I desperately wanted someone to pursue me—the kind that is genuine and firm. And now that I finally got what I wished for, it isn't how I imagined it would be—it's already complicated and messy.

Kung kailan meron nang lalaking handa akong i-pursue ay kailangan ko naman itong itulak palayo. Kung kailan meron na akong lalaking minahal ay hindi naman ako kayang mahalin pabalik. Part of me wonders if fate intended for me to suffer like this, or if this is just a mere trial of life. All I've ever wanted was to feel a pure kind of love, not one found under circumstances like these.

Hindi ko malaman kung hahayaan ko lang ba ito o gagawa ng paraan para maresobla ang problema. I hated the fact that we are hurting each other in the process—that's why I was desperate to cease our suffering. I did my best to put an end to this, but those involved have their own perspectives, and it's beyond my control. Hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang gagawin ko.

Hinihintay ko nalang ang pagkakataon na makapag-usap kami ni Gasper para malaman ko kung ano ang susunod kong hakbang. Or is there anything else I can even do about it? Gasper doesn't feel the same way I do, so making a decision shouldn't be that difficult... right?

"I don't know, Zed..." I murmured; my eyes were drawn to the evening glow along the shore. "It just feels so complicated and confusing. Gusto kong takasan nalang 'tong lahat, pero ayoko namang magpakaduwag. Hindi dapat gano'n. I want to end things with them in the right way."

Zedi and I spent the night by the shore. We brought only our camping chairs and a small table for our food and drinks. I think we both needed this kind of escape—because the moment I told her I needed a short break, she immediately said we should go out. Kaya ngayon ay narito nga kami sa dalampasigan—parehong nakasuot ng pajama at hoodie.

"Saka ngayon pa nga lang ay hirap na hirap na ako." Inikot-ikot ko ang laman ng frappe ko habang nakatingin sa madilim na karagatan. "It isn't easy pushing people away, but I don't know what choices I will make to sort this out. You know... It would break me because I knew I'd be hurting Lyle by making him walk away, and I had to endure the pain of accepting that Gasper couldn't reciprocate the feelings I had for him."

"You don't have to figure everything out tonight," she said, looking at me for a while. "What you're feeling makes sense. Hindi madali 'yan, and you're not weak for wanting to run away. You're just tired, just like anyone would be." She took a sip of her macchiato, staring at the dim scenery of the shore. "You're allowed to choose yourself this time, Ris." That's when she looked at me. "And if ending things properly is what your heart is telling you, then that's the strongest thing you can do."

That struck me deeper than I had ever imagined. Huminga ako nang malalim, natulala sa kawalan at iniisip nang maigi ang sinabi ni Zedi. I focused too much on Lyle's feelings that I seemed to forget somehow that I, too, was suffering. It's not a mistake to care much about the people involved—but I also have to learn to balance that with kindness for myself.

"It's strange how I clearly grasped your words, but couldn't practice them for myself." I chuckled, finding the idea almost ridiculous.

Bahagya rin siyang natawa. "Magulo pa ang isip mo ngayon, so that's completely normal. Clarity usually comes afterward."

"Thank you." Napangiti ako nang konti. "Dami ko natutunan sa 'yo, samantalang ikaw puro kagagohan lang natutunan mo sa 'kin."

She laughed. "Nagloloko ka lang palagi, e, pero I know you."